Tuesday, December 16, 2008

NEW BLOG

I felt it was time for a bit of a change, but the Wordpress SYSTEM seems much better to me, anyway. At least so far. I think I will keep this when I am feeling lazy and want to do a post like the last one but in all honesty I am planning to update here like once a month (it will probably be much less that that) so feel free to carpet bomb this blog from all link lists. There will eventually be a link or something up at kremvax anyway.

Sorry if some of the photographs (here and there) are bad... many of them are placeholders for when we get a digital camera, you know???

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tom Mchenry posted about mesmerism just now and he included a fantastic quote from Murakami which I think was in his latest book which was in New Yorker which is where I read it and the book is about running and writing I guess or else it's a book of essays I can't remember, it's all nonfiction, and the quote is about Mesmerising yourself through fiction writing or just writing in general and doing enough of it that you come to a special location and the special location is holy and when you open your mouth while you are there fantastic thoughts come out and they organise themselves very well and life is beautiful while you are in that place and you make a world seem real

Later people want to be you and people talk about you as if you are "currency" and they are making evaluative statements immediately and boiling down your entire canon into numbers even if they make some statements about what they liked, that's all it is a numbers game, and you're a horse boiled down for glue

LUCKILY THAT IS NOT THE EXTENT OF CRITICISM AND EVEN IDLE THOUGHTS BY AN INVESTED READER HOLD MORE WEIGHT and I don't understand how the people of HTML GIANT can read so many blogs and small press books and EZINE LITERARY MAGAZINES it just doesn't make any sense to me, I mean I don't demand dedication and I wouldn't want YOU to be dedicated in the way they suggest they are (THEY HAVE READ EVERYTHING, THEY DEVOUR EVERYTHING, WHEN AN EZINE HITS AND IT HAS A NEW AUTHOR IN IT THEY ARE EATING THEM UP AS IF THEY WERE COYOTES AND THE NEW FLAVOURS/STYLES/VOICES WERE DELICIOUS RABBITS, AND I SUPPOSE WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS FINE IF ONE DAY THEY WISH TO COMPETE WITH ECHELON FOR THE MOST KNOWLEDGE, OF COURSE THAT IS A FOOLISH THING TO DO BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE TRYING!!) !!!!!

*ECHELON is supposed to be an internet robot that belongs to the military and it is indexing EVERYTHING and a lot of people believe that it will be the first artificial intelligence to achieve sentience and I've got to admit, they might be on to something, that could be part of the experiment! I wrote about it once, a character of mine had a vague fear of it, but that whole book was vague, like a whisp of smoke, except it stuck to your clothing and made you feel sad/mad/annoyed.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It Will Not Become Corrupted

Tonight I experience genuine agony while contemplating the long drive down the Gardiner and the 427 highway systems. I assume it has something to do with my night-vision, which, destroyed by the glare of computer screens, makes the journey barely navigable. The inverse to a quote posted recently by Keri Smith, at night and on the road I inhabit a world which becomes dulled, hazy, and mean. Reds peck out from within their streetlight casings and spread their long, undulating fingers over everything, threatening to obliterate whole avenues and buildings. Numbers on the crosswalk indicator become meaningless flashing light indicators. Is that a 7 or a 1, a 3 or an 8, or even a zero? The entire world becomes impossible.

For exactly one hour I travel over seventy kilometres in a bubble of incomprehension. My blinders are on and my shoulders invariably hunch. I am a pack animal. My whole body is tired.

Halfway to Caledon, with the radio off, I experience a kind of revelation. I do nothing. The idea is caged and allowed to fester. The moment is lost.

Dropping my speed very suddenly from one hundred to sixty, I see a car pull up at a stoplight. It is a beige station wagon with black windows and its own forward-facing halo. I look again and the car is nowhere. I wonder if the car was created by my lights rolling over speed signs and road markers, but that idea seems unsatisfying. From the other side of the street, my car is or is not pelted by a snowball. The impact seems inconsistent with the soundless spluttering I experience (or think I do) just below the driver-side window.

I park the car. My mother returns from Italy. My brother has gained a bit of weight. I read an article in Discovery about the "Bosnian pyramids", and come across this dubious (but highly stimulating) claim by their champion:

"It is proven that pyramids have the most beneficial effect on the environment. If you place a piece of raw meat in a pyramid, it will not become corrupted. If you place a blunt razor in it, it will sharpen itself. If a man enters a pyramid, energy levels increase and he becomes immune to illness."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Dying Frilled Shark

I've never embedded video in any kind of post before. I'm proud to be able to say that. But I'm breaking with tradition today because this is positively the most disgusting and inspiring thing I've ever seen. When this blog dies (as it undoubtedly will), I want you to imagine it personified in the laboured, shambling, efforts of the frilled shark, above, efforts I first interpreted as being careful mimicry of seaweed in an attempt to attract prey.

Click this WIRED: Science link to read a bit more about it, other living "fossils", and pathetic name-calling erupting (incredibly quickly) in the comment section between "evolutionists", "anti-evolutionists", "morons", and spam-bots. I believe in the spam-bots, at least, for their powers to turn even the most concise, informing, and erudite discussions into nothing more than flotsam on a great sea of intense meaninglessness. In the attached article they are like manna from heaven. Or "Darwin's arse". Wherever.

I have no idea what the audio track is like on the video, but watch it without sound first.

Attrition

We emptied our old apartment yesterday. Mostly. Everything we're taking, anyway. Pretty much.

A week-long move is enough to take me across that line from sentimental to annoyed, even angry. What happened to our mail? Why isn't our old landlord picking up the phone? Who peed in the toilet while we were gone and didn't flush? Could we have lived further away from the core? That last one is possible, of course, but I don't want to think about what happens to you when you cross the 905-threshold or settle down in the endless sprawl of North York. You get honked at in mall parking lots a lot more, that's one thing I do know.

Mostly I'm tired. Last night I fell asleep on our bed with my clothes on. I wasn't planning on it. I woke up at five and thought I could make up for it by doing some work on the computer, which would be possible as long as I armed myself with a handful of corn pops. Because corn pops are well-known for their rejuvenating properties. Ten minutes of eye-straining, blurry head-wavering and I was back in bed. At least I was comfortable, this time. My dreams were haunting and miserable. Tonight I have to drive the car back to Caledon and I think that has something to do with it.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Aspect of Teenager

I leave the apartment at midnight. It is colder than I remember and I thrust my hands deep into my pockets. At the corner, the two teenagers still stand waiting in front of the convenience store, stepping and leaning around the shopfront tentatively, like children. Their cheeks are red and the girl's nose drips. She is completely silent, and she scurries to and fro, crossing my path several times and never even making eye contact. Perhaps she is searching for a very specific aspect, perhaps she is only passing the time.

The boy is wearing a thick black parka with a bluish-grey bandanna tied underneath a sideways ballcap in Raiders colours. He isn't short, but he's thick and his features are vaguely Latin. A thin black beard describes his lower jaw. He coughs nervously and speaks out of the side of his mouth. He obviously doesn't remember me from before.

“Hey, uh, do you want to buy us bud?”

I still don't know what he means, but I shake my head no. I'm embarrassed for him. They've been here for hours. “No, sorry,” I say. My tone is polite and, I think, understanding. It's first nature, though it feels awkward for this situation. Should I be aggressive? Condescending? Should I threaten to call the police? And what's he asking for, anyway? Does he want me to buy him some papers, or schlep my way over to his drug dealer? The latter idea seems ridiculous, but what enterprising teenager could be so desperate over papers? Even I know there are other ways to smoke marijuana, and no shopkeeper is going to turn down a purchase of a 600ml pop bottle and a ballpoint pen. The boy looks disappointed. Broken, though because of his clothing I expect him to be belligerent. I have two hundred dollars in cash in my wallet, which feels dangerous. I make a mental note to conceal it while I'm paying, in case the shopkeeper is in league with the teenager, or the teenager is more industrious than he appears.

The door to the convenience store is wide open. The proprietor leans on the counter like a griffin, his face long and serious. His eyes are sharp, and he eyes me coldly, then speaks a few words in Chinese to the man behind him, who is shy, acne-riddled, and buried behind a mop haircut and John Lennon glasses. He is standing and arranging stock behind the counter. The proprietor's focus is pulled, briefly, by another entreaty made to a passerbyer.

I wonder who would agree to help the two teenagers. I decide it must be one of two types: some kind of early-twenties stoner who does drugs because it improves his social life; or a mid-thirties, mid-forties bachelor with a paunch and a shit-eating grin, who asks, as he investigates the girl, what he could get in return, or wonders aloud why they don't just go back to his place, where he's got things much more potent than marijuana. In the latter scenario the two teens gather together to discuss their options. The boy mentions that they've been there for hours. He suggests it might be worth going with the man to see what he has. Covertly he pulls a switchblade from his jacket pocket. They'll be alright if the man tries anything, he says. “You'll see, we'll be fine.” The girl is unsure but willing to go along with the plan. In some ways she is almost eager. She goes where men take her: not because she is desperate, but because she allows herself to trust their motives, to believe them in a way that suggests she has little regard for her person.

The man with the shit-eating grin laughs and says “Alright then, let's get going.” He's got a Hustler and few other recently purchased pornographic magazines rolled up underneath his arm. The teenagers follow a couple of steps behind. The man unrolls and presents the boy with the Hustler. “You like that, don't you?” The boy nods. The man laughs and pats the boy on the back several times as the boy flips through the pages idly, out of politeness. The girl lifts her head up and watches the magazine pages turn as if they were very far away and she was only vaguely curious.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Echoes

The housewares section of Honest Ed’s is dominated by large mirrors which hang at every angle, making the bounds of the discount store infinite. The deals here are so good they violate even the most basic and fundamental laws of the space-time continuum. The building was last renovated twenty or thirty years ago, it is obvious, and I’m reminded powerfully of a past I never lived; or, if I did, one that is at the very least hazy and inconsistent, so that it is lost to me now. Nostalgia hangs in the air like a thick cloud: pungent and choking.

In an unexpected twist, I experience a similar sensation later that night, returning to our abandoned (and nearly empty) former apartment. This nostalgia, however, is more pertinent. Actions are buried deep within my muscle memory, so that, even as I trained the cats, I have the urgent need to be cautious when I am pushing back and unlocking the door, even though I know nothing waits for me. I turn to the right in an effort to hang up my coat, but the wall is stripped and even the plugs are gone. Most depressingly, the kitchen is completely empty except for a bare dresser, an unfolded card table, and the remains of Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner. Our boots on the wood and tile floors are met with hollow echoes.

No matter the circumstances a home is a home, and you can’t leave it mentally as immediately as you can physically. The routines cement themselves in your subconscious, patterning your brain with paths as delicate of those on microchips. Perhaps we still live there until we’re finally settled in our new place.

I don’t want to see our first apartment like this. For all of its problems (and there were many, and they were significant), it was also the first place we lived. We moved there out of need, but we lived there for a year. Many fine things happened. I don’t want to go into too much detail; this post is probably already too sentimental.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Shaw and Melville

On the way to work a thousand-and-one unworked novels realise themselves. I'm energised by the mild temperatures, the brown brick, the neighbourhoods and landmarks I pass as I go.

Our new home is not the Beaches, which is a ghetto drowning in designer dogs, white professionals, and entitled children. It is not Elm and Bay, which felt as removed and lifeless as Sauroman's tower. It is a place of life, fertile and yielding, and it spills into the streets like the grapevines that populate it in late summer.

It's a return in many ways. My father has roots here, as do my grandparents and the Ukrainian community. The orthodox church is visible across the park from the community centre, tapered domes peeking over distant brownstone tempered by trees. I spent the first three years of my childhood here, and this will be Lisa's third apartment in the area. Her sister lives ten minutes away; her old apartment, roommate, and congregation are closer.

This morning the gas fireplace buzzes softly as I get up to feed the cats. The apartment is dim and calming despite the chaos of moving boxes, homeless artifacts, and packing material. We sip coffee in front of the fireplace on two unfolded chairs, and the cats stretch out before us, purring and slowly opening and closing their eyes.

We've said it, I'm sure, but the thought has roots that are almost implicit, a hum that neither of us has to consciously acknowledge: we could live here for years.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Synecdoche, New York

“You can’t feel sympathy for someone that’s depressed?”
-Charlie Kaufman

The above words might as well be on the playbill, somewhere before and after the name of Synecdoche, New York’s first-time director, Charlie Kaufman, celebrated screenwriter of Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Not only because depression is a theme that we’ve come to expect from Kaufman, but because the movie in question works so hard to establish it as a condition. There are few real characters. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays depression, which is named Caden in this movie. As far as he is allowed, he does a good job. His depression is infectious. It seems that you are meant to feel sorry for him, it’s the only aspect of his character that you can cling to, but there is nothing particularly endearing about symptom.

Caden has many chances to display his: his marriage is failing; he’s diagnosed with a series of mysterious and frightening diseases; he’s lonely. But it’s not really enough for a character to tell you that he is lonely, that must be revealed over the natural course of a plot: in Adaptation, it was during Kaufman’s attempt to turn a book about orchids into a movie; in Eternal Sunshine, it was through memories and responses to a failed relationship. Both movies were not straightforward in their approach, but they approached something and they succeeded, a fact Synecdoche does its best to ignore. The plot is hard to relate sensibly, but I will explain the aspect that is most compelling: Caden is directing a show based exactly on his life, endlessly workshopped in a New York warehouse containing a near-exact replica of New York. His wife and mistress are cast, his neighbours, a man is hired to play his doppelganger, another is hired to play his doppelganger’s doppelganger. The concept would be interesting, if only Caden had a life worth aping.

Lacking any kind of meaningful story, the purpose of Caden’s narcisstic, untitled play is to capture Truth. He states repeatedly that he wants it to be about life, everything that’s in it, though he seems to believe that life is chiefly about misery. It’s a difficult theme for Kaufman's movie, especially when you consider that the story is created in a vacuum. Character and plot are surrendered to concept, and so a movie that declares itself to be about everything turns out to be about nothing.

There is a lot in Synecdoche. Too much. I provide a telling example, which was only discovered reading through one of many reviews: when Caden wakes up at the very beginning of the movie it is September, when he comes down for breakfast it is October, and in the next scene it is November. At first glance this sounds interesting, but it seems to have little bearing on the plot or any of the following scenes. It’s too clever a detail hidden too cleverly, and since it’s so quickly abandoned you wonder why it was included in the first place. Is there a secret story running underneath Synecdoche? Maybe. It’s been suggested, for instance, that Caden has died at some point of the first half of the movie. Okay. Does it matter? No. Do you care? Not really.

The problem with Synecdoche is that it buries you under a barrage of such details, twisting over and clinging to themselves like choking ivy. Things happen so casually and fantastically that they cease to happen, even if the entire movie is a dream. Caden’s four-year-old daughter grows up estranged and becomes a celebrated stripper, and as she is dying of cancer she accuses him of running away and taking a homosexual lover; Caden has a second daughter and forgets her entirely; the house of his one-time mistress (and long-term infatuation) is perpetually on fire; his doppelganger has been following him for years learning his role, well before Caden conceived of the project; at one point Caden steals away from his current wife to moonlight as Ellen, his ex-wife’s housecleaner; his doppelganger commits suicide; the play is workshopped over the course of thirty years, perhaps longer, but is never produced. I could go on, but I worry about the consequences of forcing you to read a comprehensive list.

It’s hard not to relate all of this to an incident from Adaptation: Charlie Kaufman (played by Nicholas Cage) attends a screenwriting seminar, desperate for ideas on how to end his movie. He puts his hand up and asks whether or not it isn’t artificial to rely on plot, since nothing ever happens in life. His host reacts with hostility, something along the lines of “What the hell do you mean, nothing happens? Of course things happen! Are you fucking kidding me?” It seems that Kaufman has moved from one extreme to another. The result is completely unsatisfying.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Fucking Piece of Pork Chop

Construction at Queen's Park station this morning. They've blocked off an escalator and gutted the bottom platform. Greasy machinery is exposed. Two men are standing in the fenced-off area, wearing work clothes and looking matter-of-factly at the passing commuters. Their aspects are sullen. One of them stands up straight as a nail, with long dirty black hair that sticks out like a lion's mane, his hands on the escalator rails. The other is shorter and stands to his side, leaning heavily on a wall, his arm stretched out for support. He is bald and his eyes are framed by thick glasses.

The second man looks at the first and sticks a finger in his mouth, digging it into his teeth.

"I've got a fucking piece of pork chop stuck in there," he says. "From last night. It won't come out. It's huge. It's... the size of a cow."

The statement strikes me as awkward: I want him to say "the size of the cow it came from," and think of this compulsively the whole way up the stairs. The sound of children filters down from above, an anticipatory rebounding noise which leads me to believe that the whole room is filled with them, spread out on the ground and eating lunches pulled from polystyrene bags. "Children know where pork chops come from," I think. "It's likely that the man does too, but when you're a child you think about origins more than anyone else." I crest the stairwell and am surprised to see that the children only account for a thin single-filed line snaking through the turnstiles and making their way down the opposite staircase to the station below.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

An Alternate Ending to Cervantes’ Don Quixote

Last night I finished reading the recently released Edith Grossman translation of Cervantes’ Don Quixote, which is the greatest book I have ever read. This morning I dreamed an alternate ending, coming (most appropriately) on the very edge of wakefulness, or the last plains of sleep.

The book ends with the repenting of Don Quixote’s madness, his death, and many other assurances and warnings meant to ensure that Quixote’s adventures are never to be continued: an official document recording his death is composed and notarised by the priest; Cide Hamete, the Arabian narrator Cervantes claims to be translating, warns his pen (should others attempt to pick it up): “For me alone was Don Quixote born, and I for him; [...] the two of us alone are one”; Quixote’s last recorded words describe how sorry he is that his existence has prompted the creation of a false history (one published between Cervantes’ first and second parts) filled with “so many and such great absurdities”.

The record is quite clear, especially when considering the increasing frequency the aforementioned false Quixote and its pseudonymous author Alonso Fernandez de Avellaneda are mentioned and derided in the chapters following Cervantes’ knowledge of the book. And of all books, Don Quixote is one that deserves the end it chooses, already a rich labyrinth of images, ideas, and symbols: one could start over at the beginning immediately after finishing the last page and continue reading in this manner until the end of his life, and he would be completely satisfied. It is a monument to humanity, standing in rare company with works such as the Bible, the Upanishads, the constant fluctuations of cities, and the sequencing of the genetic code, among others.

My alternate ending, so well-guarded against, persists because it consists of all the adventures the deceased Quixote (Alfonso Quixano, post-repentance) will never have. It could be as small as a paragraph, or never-ending, filling an infinite series of volumes with his varied and entertaining adventures. It is probably not a true alternate ending: the concept is already made implicit by the narrative’s ignorance of it, as in Borges’ story The Garden of Forking Paths the same is true of the concept of “time”, deliberately never mentioned in T’sui Pen’s great labyrinth as novel.

Note that Cide Hamete and Cervantes take precautions against everything but the fantastic in the book’s final paragraph:

[...] the two of us alone are one, despite and regardless of the false Tordesillan writer who dared, or will dare, to write with a coarse and badly designed ostrich feather about the exploits of my valorous knight, for it is not a burden for his shoulders or a subject for his cold creativity; and you will warn him, if you meet him, to let the weary and crumbling bones of Don Quixote rest in the grave, and not attempt, contrary to all the statutes of death, to carry them off to Castilla la Vieja, removing him from the tomb where he really and truly lies, incapable of undertaking a third journery or a new sally [.]

I am working from a translation, but the language is highly specialised: the exploits implies authentic and historical action; a suggestion is made to let the weary and crumbling bones of Don Quixote rest in the grave–in other words, he is firmly dead, and make no attempts to ressurect him; he is incapable of undertaking a third journey or a new sally. The frequent hammerstrokes against an attempt at a new “canonical” addition to the novel are an invitation to speculation. If Quixote’s adventures continued in a totally fantastic mode, as of the lives of the knight errants he emulated, whether or not he was capable would not matter: it is not the exploits of Don Quixote that would be described, but the exploits that were never performed by Don Quixote.

It’s true that in a later sentence (the second-to-last) Cide Hamete declares that his only desire for the book is to “have people reject and despise the false and nonsensical histories of the books of chivalry”; perhaps I should admit my declaration as dubious. But in Don Quixote Cervantes seems to accept more aspects of these novels than he rejects, and if Quixote’s adventures present a sort of realistic antithesis they still contain all of the mystery, wonder, raw storytelling and exotica of the chilvaric books he is lampooning, even if his protagonist is insane. And, in nine lines of poetry composed by the very man who ended Don Quixote’s questing once and for all, he seems to even endorse Quixote’s mode of living:

        Here lies the mighty Gentleman
who rose to such heights of valor
that death itself did not triumph
over his life with his death.
He did not esteem the world;
he was the frightening threat
to the world, in this respect,
for it was his great good fortune
to live a madman, and die sane.

There are many more examples. The later chapters abound with them, such as this statement made by a noble from Barcelona to the man who defeated Quixote, sent him back to his village, and composed the above poem:

“Oh, Senor,” said Don Antonio, “may God forgive you for the harm you have done to the entire world in wishing to restore the sanity of the most amusing madman in it! Don’t you see, Senor, that the benefit caused by the sanity of Don Quixote cannot be as great as the pleasure produced by his madness?”

The benefits of Quixote’s madness were not only to those who saw it as entertainment: as knight errant, Quixote fought and vanquished whole armies, was actively persued by maidens, experienced a variety of enchantments, both good and bad, and saw more of the world than he ever would have otherwise. If the novel is only against books of chivalry that declare themselves to be true histories, wouldn’t a wholly fantastic third sally fit within its philosophy? It’s acknowledged by the sane Quixano that none of what he believed happened had: that he was, in effect, imagining or dreaming the reality of the vast majority of his adventures. So why not continue the adventure via an infinite dream: by Quixote during his last days, when he slept frequently and experienced many fainting spells, or by Cide Hamete, or even the character of Cervantes, idly imagining what might have happened had Quixote lived?

It does not have to be much to clarify the already limitless possibilities contained within the text. An example of what I dreamed this morning follows:

Last night, in my anxiousness, I imagined an adventure I am certain will never happen: after an entire year of living in heaven, Don Quixote was sent back to his village, by the grace of God, completely restored. For several days there was much rejoicing, and everyone who knew him, especially his close friends, could not believe their luck. Because Don Quixote was well known to be chaste, good, and virtuous, and there was nothing that seemed off about him (besides what usually was), no one wondered whether or not the devil or the occult were involved, and they just considered it fortunate. By the way he talked of enchanters and enchantments, inquired after Dulcinea and of the health of Rocinante, his nag, it was clear that he’d forgotten entirely about his deathbed repentances, or else Alfonso Quixano only existed in those specific instances that accompanied death. He ordered provisions made, and his horse saddled, and these were orders that Sancho Panza very gladly obeyed.

On the day they were set to leave for their third sally, a great multitude of villagers gathered to witness the spectacle that was a man they’d thought dead astride his horse, healthy as ever, and covered head-to-toe in his old armor, which Sancho had polished to shine; if the metal (which was of low quality to begin with) did not gleam, through all of its denting and dullness, it at least announced that it noticed the yellow beams of light that blanketed the entire countryside. Don Quixote addressed the crowd in his confusion, imagining that he was speaking to kings, courtiers, and maidens. In a gesture of farewell he pulled at his reigns, meaning to rear Rocinante handsomely, but a year of rest did not have the same effect on his nag that it had on Don Quixote, and the poor horse could only manage a few steps backwards.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An Elegy to The Moldy Jar of Capers We Bought From Loblaws

Gone are the days when goods, preserves,
of infinite variety,
yon grocer, or proprieter,
ably commanded, behind cash.

Goons in the present, by contrast,
(oh! the free reign allowed!)
yield to no man, and gaiely rip
and tear, and open all they can.

Green mold forms where once was pristine,
others, blind, suspecting nothing,
(yes, completely fooled) purchase
a lot more than they bargained.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Lost Form of The Known World

The Known World by Edward P. Jones is, for the most part, too plodding and serious a book. Maybe that is too harsh criticism: the character’s suffering is worthy and deeply felt, and there is enough life to give the book a spark. But it’s slow in that contemporaneous literary way, and it was released in paperback (one year, two years after its first print?) with a selection of stodgily researched “facts” and tepid questions for the book club set, already hinting that, as a work, it is “major”. Jones is an excellent writer, but the book fails partly because it knows its audience too well; it is too finely marketed.

One and a half years later I can pick out many moments, but I cannot give you an accurate summary of the plot. It is probably impossible to resolve the idea of slavery, and Jones gives a good account of it, but the book feels incomplete. Perhaps it is only that I wish the book Jones had written were another, one that he hints at very briefly, in a single chapter.

A powerful white man loses his family to sickness and his estate to creditors. He is ruined, and sets his manor on fire. It burns to the ground. For a time the property is abandoned.

The crops would escape the fire and would thrive, tended by no one. The fields had not had such bounty in more than seven years. There would be no harvest in the usual sense, as no one came to reap what the slaves had sown. Had someone counted up what the crops the fields had to give, it would have come to more than $325 a slave.

The man is totally humbled:

Counsel left that second day, heavy with all the sorrow he would ever know, and went west and then south, avoiding all human beings as best he could. He did not care, but it occurred to him in South Carolina that what he had done was a crime, since much of what he had belonged to others. He continued on, aimless, saddled with the memories of his loved ones and the end of a plantation that even men in Washington, D.C., knew about.

He continues west. The country becomes rough; the people are rougher. It is wild and unknown. He is threatened and warned off, but he does not waver; he is heading for Texas. He loses his horse in thick vegetation. He cuts a path but the horse will not come (is it afraid of snakes?) and he shoots it. The One Thousand And One Nights is invoked. “How easy it had all been for the man and his carpet.”

A few flies appeared immediately above the horse. “What is it that you want of me?” Counsel asked God. He sat down, and more flies, bigger than any he had known in North Carolina, came to the horse in a black cloud. He took off his hat and tried to wave them away, but more came as if the waving had been a signal for them to come. “What do you want me to do?” he asked God. “Tell me what it is.” He looked up and was surprised that the buzzards were circling so soon. He shot at one but missed and no sooner had the sound of the shot gone away than the buzzards began to land.

Counsel thinks of his dead family, his little girls, the Bible. He asks more questions of God. The buzzards come down and join the flies, feasting on the horse, “and ignoring the man who still had some life in him.”

The next chapter the book returns to Virginia. Much later, Counsel is re-introduced and works, cuckolded, with his cousin the sheriff. This strikes me as unnecessary. It is with his horse that Counsel’s story should end. I can think of no more satisfying conclusion. The image is more powerful, the aftershocks more poignant; it is the one image from the book my subconscious chose (even wrongly) to keep in rotation. Ten years from now, it is what I will still remember. A book filled with such powerful images, written in Jones’ masterful language, with dead-ends and constant action, would have few equals.

Of course, that book already exists. I can think of a few of its forms off the top of my head: Midnight’s Children, One Thousand and One Nights, Le Morte D’Arthur, Don Quixote.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Michael Clayton, part 2

Last night I woke to the wild inconsonant babbling of a dwarf camped outside our bedroom door. I rushed out to meet him, advising that he should keep his voice down—Lisa was sleeping. He was suddenly quiet, and began rooting around multifarious layers of his clothing with thick, hairy hands. The pungency of this-or-that layer, as he exposed dirty skin and clothing usually trapped in fungal gardens of sweat, oil, and body heat was literally breathtaking. I covered my nose and mouth in disgust. Finally he extracted a single, creased, sheet of paper, ancient and near rotting. Its contents are printed below, and it seems to be a second part to the discussion of Michael Clayton that I posted Friday. The fact of the dwarf—-who disappeared as I was inspecting the aforementioned document—-seems to lend credence to the fact that yesterday's original was conceived by a genii, or at the very least some other magical or mystical creature (certainly not the dwarf).

Michael Clayton’s moment of clarity comes at the side of the road, after he has been demonstrably covered in his own thin film of excrement, running flack for a pent-up and wealthy little man who has just fled the scene of a hit-and-run. The moment is shared release, for Clayton and the audience, who come quickly and with intensity to this point of the movie (about twenty minutes in) knowing very little about the protagonist and his surroundings.

Clayton finds himself in the country. He stops his car and calmly ascends a hill. At its apex are three unflinching horses standing in a line. Clayton watches them. We breathe. In the background, Clayton’s car explodes. Enter moment of clarity.

We are transported backwards four days in time. The plot unravels. We discover there is something not wrong in Arthur, and a very good reason for his insanity. He has, like many of the characters in the movie, been playing a part counter to his own humanity, harnessed by a law firm eager to make use of his desperate energy. Like Clayton, he is homeless; unlike Clayton, he has a home. He’s come out of the right side of his moment of clarity: it’s understood that he will no longer support or tolerate the injustices he has helped perpetrate. His story, however, is not the story, and it ends, violently and with unfortunate necessity.

The plot builds. Clayton’s path seems clear and fixed. He delays, but only psychologically. He prostrates himself before his law firm and begs for money. He is good at his job, but frustrated, underpaid, and held close to their body. He calms himself with illicit gambling, a habit he thought he’d managed to break. He finds himself at the home of a pent-up man drowning in his own opulence... and the hillside, and the horses.

Immediately prior to the horses there is a car chase. Clayton is pursued by a team of professional killers intent on detonating his car—an interesting sequence, because though we have an idea of what is coming, Clayton has none and we are tense with anticipation. The second explosion, the second clarity.

Time folds in on itself, creating a duel moment. This time we are not allowed breath, natural beauty, but are witness to Clayton’s grief. The horses are watching him, like uncomprehending monuments. The car explodes. The movie crystallises. Clayton escapes. He is reborn. He is dead. He is covered in shit. He is insane.

He is Shiva, god of death. Guided, he is provided explicitly with all of the answers we saw him obtain inexplicitly. He directs his energy properly. The world ends. He watches the world, as it continues, calmly.

The discussion lacks a narrative besides the narrative. This seems like an exercise. I will let the creator know my thoughts (and yours, if you have any) in a detailed essay I will compose and then push through the neck of a bottle, which I will then seal and cast into the sea.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A Digression on the Virtue of Hermits
by Obidex Curia

The first hermit was Adam, and, for a time, he wanted nothing; this is the natural mode of those in that profession. The last true hermit I know of was television detective Trudeau Trudeau: if you make the allowance (as I have) that the world in which he operated (the small, insignificant town of Lascowe, Manitoba) was an allegorical world of phantasms that didn't, in fact, exist, but served only as a metaphorical representation of his soul. The men and women that he dealt with were not as they appeared (crooked landowners, poachers, murderers, smugglers and loggers) but demons, and his was the most eternal of struggles. To accept payment and bribes from the cast of scoundrels and malcontents who offered them would be as bad as accepting death or destruction from the hands of those who willed it. A compromise would mean nothing less than complete forfeiture, a full transmigration of his soul into the body of just another phantasmal demon.

Far be it from me to suggest that you have undergone your own transmigration, and that the words you are reading now are being probed by twisted, arcane eye-stalks, or being handled with red, veiny fingers that end in long claws. If you are a demon you probably do not know it. But you are very certainly a demon: especially if you do not live the life of a hermit, or at the very least that of a particularly devout monk.

I don't care whether or not you have religion, or if you subscribe to any particular belief system (I have one and it is not Christ, though I find it useful to associate myself with Him), what I care for only is the purity of your desires. If you live in a large cosmopolitan city, with wide boulevards, numerous restaurants and shops, and ample outlets for all of the pleasures of the body (in other words, Chanto), I find it hard to believe that you can be anything else but completely subjugated to all of your wild achings and fantasies. It may not be impossible, but it is very difficult: especially if you are weak-willed (as most of you are) or find yourself in the presence of large amounts of money, for money is nothing more than a contract for the satisfaction of future aimless desire.

For eighteen years (as long as I have existed) I have dedicated myself to the complete eradication of trivial and inconsequential needs. I am a man unchained; if you do not believe me, you might ask my parents, for I still live with them and they see me every day (besides being proof of the worthiness of their testimony, in itself this is a meaningless detail). The only needs they meet are the most essential, and I can confidently assure you that I provide for myself when it comes to anything spiritual.

I have taken my first steps as a hermit already, and there is no doubt that some of you might have heard of me through these actions. It does not dishearten me to hear that I am openly mocked for my single-handed assault on hypocrisy, that I am laughed at for my (as I've heard them described) petty disagreements on semantics, morality, or indulgences, as well as the somewhat more pointed acts of flipping over card-tables and disruption of carts selling worthless, distracting, trinkets at market. What concerns me most is the purification of the phantasmal world that I am part of, even if that world is large and unconquerable, and my quest one of Sisyphean impossibility. It is good training.

As a child I realised very quickly the necessities of my situation, and set myself firm and unstraying from that path: I have read and digested numerous books on survival in cold climates; my english is very good, and I believe that (in some quarters) I am known for it; every day I prepare myself with a sermon (an episode of Trudeau Trudeau!-- no doubt you've missed its rich metaphysics) and its active study. In short, I am very near to realising my desire. What I could I accomplished on my own, what little else I needed (and could not be avoided, such as my plane ticket) I received from the charity and support of my parents.

This letter I consider a gift, to all the citizens of Chanto and the surrounding country. It is an alarm. It is notification of my departure. Very shortly I will be leaving for the very edge of the world, the northern frontier. I have picked out a point of arrival: the small and remote township of Anvelle, Ontario. Its size is deliberate: the phantasmal world of demons will be manageable, perhaps even conquerable. This is my final goal, which I recognise may take years; my entire life, perhaps. Whatever suffering I undergo as a result, whatever hardships, will be penance for the final cleansing of my soul.

I say that this is an alarm for two reasons: one is it is never to late for you to pass back to the plane of reality, and through long struggle, purge your world of its demons. With my departure, your warnings will become obtuse and very few; you will not have my help to decipher them. The second alarm is for the whole of Chanto: as a city you have become impossible. Much work needs to be done. Commerce will have to be muted. Inharmonious and easy leisure will have to come to an end. Your spirit cannot be bought by pleasure. It must be worked at and tempered by suffering and noble action. For Chanto to become a city worthy of habitation, all of these things must be considered and put into action. For my part, I leave you.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Michael Clayton

I begin this entry like second-grade Zoe E., hand delivering love letters to all the boys she liked in class-- love letters covered in lipstick, sparkles, perfumes and spelling mistakes. Their author was obvious but left anonymous, and as she handed me mine (she's since told me I was her first crush, a sentiment made meaningless by the fat stack of letters she had yet to deliver, in this memory) she said, in a voice trying its best to be casual: "I found these in the hall." Well, in a half-truth in the same vein, I found these abandoned notes in the hall, too. They must have been left by a genii, or some layman technician styling himself as erudite.

As Jorge Luis Borges seemed fond of saying, it is disingenuous to break a narrative into symbols. So excuse me for a few moments while I briefly discuss the symbolism in last year's best picture, Michael Clayton.

The movie begins with an address to the title character (played by George Clooney) who is (presumably) somewhere among the pitch black of the opening frame, or floating and disembodied, haunting the desolate remains of a law office in late evening in the shot that follows. The effect is startling and womb-like, as we listen in voiceover to the deranged Arthur (Tom Wilkinson) elaborate on the movie's four-pronged metaphorical tautology, realised during a brief moment of clarity: Arthur is being reborn; Arthur is about to die; Arthur is covered in excrement; Arthur is insane.

Michael Clayton is all four of those things, but only passively. He has yet to experience his own moment of clarity. This does not mean that he is not an active character-- quite the opposite, he has to be. Clayton is both literally and figuratively homeless. We are not privy to his home life and bland routines, because as far as we can tell he doesn't have any. If Clayton has a home it is in the car, where he conducts all business, including personal: Clayton drives his son to school, waiting for him in the street; Clayton has a heart-to-heart with his son about the alcoholic brother they've just left in a driveway; Clayton's brief and unsentimental reunion with the same brother at the end of the movie.

I'm sure there was more, but the rest of the manuscript exists only in irreconcilable shards: I assume it was pecked apart by the pack of tame crows kept in the hospital atrium, or perhaps torn to shreds by some kind of nesting rodent: a mouse, or, perhaps, a lost rabbit.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tentative, ah, Rumblings

Just update every day. On a topic. I guess. I want to write an essay every week, that's productive and in a way safe. I mean that I can refine my craft, but a little bit removed so that you don't have to see the results immediately and think things like "huh" "what" or "this is really terrible, André". Of course this assumes a "you", there really isn't a "you" for the blog and maybe I should work on that as well but how does a person do that in a way that's not conniving, petty, or mean? Promotion just seems ugly to me at this point, I guess. This isn't really worth promoting, you know? It's just a thing. I shouldn't even think in those terms, ever really.

BESIDES THE FACT IT IS ON THE BACK OF THAT LAST LITTLE BOOK I MADE HI IF YOU CAME HERE FROM THAT, SORRY IF EVERYTHING IS CONFUSING.

This past election Chester Brown ran for the Libertarian party and defended his government grants with "Well, if I don't take them someone else well, and it's better that they go to me." And in that sentiment were two ideas, wrapped up:

  • That he deserves the grant, because he is good and works hard.
  • That he deserves the grant because it could potentially go to someone who doesn't work hard, or is not good.
Should I think in similar terms? Or start to? To me it just seems so mercenary.

But it does remind me of something one of my uncles (and I have many) said about my mom's artwork and how he always thought she should be doing a better job of promotion. And maybe she still should, but I think she has improved in that regard. Related is the fact that her work has settled in a style that is "good" and that I think is "accurate", does that mean I just don't feel "settled" in that aspect? But her situation at 22 was much different than my situation now. But why would I even bring it up if I felt "complete" or "whole" artistically?

This post and the post below come from an interview with James Kochalka where he says that American Elf is a great way to structure his day, and to always remain thinking creatively. How he feels bad if he hasn't made anything, because creating is a huge part of his self-worth. That's also true for me. I do write usually. I need to get back to writing every day. Even if I don't necessarily feel like working on what I am working on, I need to write a minimum amount of words. I need to stop worrying about things like what certain people will say. Maybe I need to update this every day too, so I can see what I've done and am doing. With at least one entry of substance, or that I am proud of, or that I like, per day.

I'm suddenly reminded of an essay Haruki Murakami wrote about writing for the New Yorker. I could find it for you but you could find it for yourself just as easily. Search "Haruki Murakami" "running" and "New Yorker".

One thing that I am working on is making writing simpler so that it flows easier from point to point. I have a tendency to hold certain crucial details in my head, which works well for prose poetry but not very well when you are working on a long novel and what is in your head at specific points during the writing changes from day-to-day. I really think that for something short (a comic, a poem, a short story) you can keep the art inside and do a good job, but for longer things you have to focus on telling your story simply and making sure that it is a story, and that it is coherent, and the rest will fall into place. It's interesting because I think four or five years ago I was good for plot, but I really had to work on style and technique, and now that I'm at plot again it is coming back to me, but slowly, because I spent a long time in the ghetto.

WORKING ON WAY TO ADD STRUCTURE TO THE BLOG AND CERTAIN ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, TO MAKE SURE THAT I AM ALWAYS CREATING OR IN THE READY MOOD OF PROCESS.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Some days you have to walk slowly. Consciously. Metering down, existing in a moment that is not quick-movement from point to point, an entire hummingbird-eye day. Some days you have to make little noise. Contain constant, enduring, rhythm. Listen to the pattern of life. Watch flurries of motion adjust their shoulder straps and clack in-and-out of your field of view. Be a happy inconvenience.

Calm down and arrange your thoughts in a pattern removed from "buckshot". You are not the wide mouth of a shotgun. You are not a clicked and constantly fluctuating image. You are not an image. You are a reactive creature describing the world through its sensory input. Through interpretations of raw data, as well as implications and interpretations of raw data obtained from other sources. As well as implications of implications; hronir which constantly ascend to and descend from the apex of the eleventh degree.

Your thoughts are made of other thoughts. Your thoughts move to the tune of your body. Your ideas scale up or down based upon the status or "being" of your self. Slow down, at moments, to increase the scope and quality of your ideas. You cannot rely solely on "genius", which is a highly malleable, unreliable, and reactive force. You must have some grounding in your intellectual self. You must fight to maintain that grounding, whatever the circumstances of your life.

Friday, October 17, 2008

My left hand is stuffed into my front jacket pocket, like Napoleon suffering from some kind of cold-active gout. For some reason the action causes me to sit up straight, and I feel as if I am riding a horse. My jacket is nine years old, a relic; worn because it is convenient (my most convenient) for bicycling.

I fiddle with the right pocket zipper at stoplights, but it's stuck fast. Aside from the stuck zipper, there's really nothing else wrong with the jacket. I've owned it since grade eight, and my thirteen-year-old self would be glad to know that Ripzone is such a good brand. It's the last piece of clothing from that company I own, the second-last being an old t-shirt frayed everywhere but the collar, which is what I wore it for. It's a look that's in, but not when the rest of the shirt is in rags. At least, that's what Lisa might have told me before she threw it out, though I'm positive she never qualified such a statement with a remark about how it could have at all, ever, been considered fashionable.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Ellleeeecccctttttiiioooonnnnn!

On the morning radio, a university student with a cocky edge to his voice reminds me too much of a frat boy: he's intelligent but pretends that he isn't to impress his friends, who are also being interviewed.

Why didn't you vote?

"The election SUCKS, all of the candidates SUCK, their platforms SUCK. Why should I vote if the whole thing SUCKS?"

Are you ashamed that you didn't vote?

"YEAH, I mean, my parents wanted me to vote but. Fuck, I don't care. I guess it just didn't mean that much to me."

Later, an opinion voiced by a political student activist who hasn't voted in the past two elections and says there are more important ways to make yourself heard... more important than the most symbolic and direct?

"I just... don't see what the point is. I've voted before, it didn't really... do anything for me. I think there are, ah, other ways you can be involved in the political process... I didn't feel anything when I voted."

What did you expect, a warm tingling? A clarion call? Why does voting have to do anything directly for you? When was it written that all action necessarily has to provoke some kind of stimulation? And why is the concept of stimulation so often mixed up with "mental sedation"?

High school André, why don't you die? And why are you such a common archetype? This generation is disappointing, so far.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Canzine

October 26th I will be at Canzine. It is my hope that I will have two short "zine-like objects" to sell. One will be 16 pages long. One will be 32 pages long (if it exists). I am mostly typing this post to bump the last from the top. Also, because it is exciting. I am excited, because I think it will be fun to have items printed and arranged on a table. I have never done anything like this before!


A detailed entry on the Canadian election.


A humourous, satirical take on family politics and our first "Thanksgiving weekend" as husband and wife.


An update on the writing of my novel. Which is being written in a more conventional style than I would have first employed.

Friday, October 10, 2008

"Data is secondary at the moment, unfortunately."

So interesting that wild fluctuations of abstract concepts are being followed as if they are real things! I don't mean to say this to be smarmy, or to provoke reaction... but in a world whose outlines seem to be made of "fact" and where men and women drink and eat "fact", that a metaphysical system, tracing its movements in peaks and valleys on an exterior, two-dimensional plain, could captivate to the extent that it has, as well as inform our mode of living, and stir the hearts of otherwise cold and unthinking men to fevers of blind and all-encompassing emotion... it's startling.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

stop it everyone just stop it

I am an avant-garde

I woke up in the morning and told my friend Robert that I am an avant-garde

He asked what an "avant-garde" is

So I pushed him down a well

I am the dictator of a red planet

The red planet is avant-garde

Everyone on the red planet rides a white bicycle

They do that because it makes me laugh

When I see someone riding a white bicycle

On a red planet that is avant-garde

It feels like I am eating cherries

I ask Sue, my assistant, to fetch me some in a bowl

She replies that it is impossible to do so

I ask her "why"

In addition to that I am angry

Perhaps my fist clenches and I smash it on the table

She says that because the whole planet is avant-garde

It has no momentum or reality beyond my plain narration

And the concept "a bowl of cherries" does not exist

Because it was not already explicitly described

I lean back in my chair and cry

My tears taste like grapefruit

Monday, October 6, 2008

[All] those who value reason, liberty, and justice... are captivated by Russell’s vision of “the world that we must seek,”

a world in which the creative spirit is alive, in which life is an adventure full of joy and hope, based rather upon the impulse to construct rather than the desire to retain what we possess or to seize what is possessed by others. It must be a world in which affection has free play, in which love is purged of the instinct for domination, in which cruelty and envy have been dispelled by happiness and the unfettered development of all the instincts that build up life and fill it with mental delights.
-Noam Chomsky quoting Bertrand Russell’s Proposed Roads to Freedom


As if to illustrate the tentative, half-sketched nature of my last post, as I left the hospital I informed a woman that she’d dropped her spreading knife on the way to the elevator, and the woman, who seemed to be thirty-some years old, frowned at me as if I was deliberately interrupting or declaring her uncool in front of her friends. Being non-judgmental is probably the easiest part, and you have to maintain that under attack from differing philosophies and withering scorn. Who knows what Byzantine social relationships and backwards personalities flower amidst the tandem bureaucratic and professional classes of the hospital? I’ve seen my fair share of bizarre.

A week or two ago I came into the hospital under the dying power of an electronic door. I did not push the button, though I have many times in the past. Likewise I’ve had many opportunities to hold the door open myself, physically, for those who might have had to use the electronic door otherwise. So I probably should have felt more secure when I was attacked on my way in, slipping through the receding crack, panting and clothed in my bicycle gear. The attack came from a middle-aged, angry man: tall, taut, and bundled up into premature wrinkles, carrying a lunchbox in his left hand. I do not know if he was a parent to a patient, or a doctor.

“Handicap use only,” he scowled, as if I had pushed someone out of the way, as if I was gloating about it. As if I smiled and high-fived an intern on the way in. He was moving fast, escaping retaliation, possibly escaping his own vehemence, and the only answer I had time to give him was a perturbed and sarcastic “Thanks”.

Though very quickly I was told by several sources not to worry about it, that the man was probably just having a terrible day that had nothing to do with me, I still felt disturbed. It knawed and chewed at my neurosis. Briefly, and several times throughout the day, I re-enacted the episode in my head and chased the man down, confronting him as if that was any kind of solution. As if it would do anything but add another mean or lonely chapter to the tale. Realistically, what more could I have done? I let the man know that what he’d said was insulting, was there really room for anything else?

The reality of the situation is that I was feeling a little under-the-weather myself, dragged down by various things: a bland, repetitive job; unpromising responses from the writing program; an apartment in desperate need of at least a weekend of cleaning. Those situations have all since improved, and it’s probably no surprise that I feel markedly better.

I don’t know exactly what I’m proposing. It might be an attempt at a kind of insurance for frustration. Maybe it’s just a tool for climbing out of a pit or a rut and deciding: this is how I feel, this is why I feel, this is what I have to do. I am not in pits often, or as often, as I have in the past. I am extremely fortunate to have found Lisa, and one of the things I am most grateful for is our open communication... and maybe this alone is more important than some of the things I am “proposing”. I am not really proposing anything. I’m exploring methods of reacting more causally to life.

Don't ask Lisa to corroborate this: I've been making the effort to be calm and nonjudgmental in most things. I don't mean to lose all sense of standards and decency. Only to try and "accept" the world in unselfish ways. That doesn't mean that I don't wish things might change. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be willing to do some changing. I just mean that there should be nothing angry about "being", and nothing necessarily "angry" in reactions to being.

Anger is a vent sometimes. In that way it's probably healthy, if it doesn't cross certain lines... and it can also be used to fuel creative activity. But maybe you can train yourself to the point where anger becomes less and less of an emotional need. Even in the face of irrational behaviour and thinking. I guess that's kind of my experiment. I'm sure it's been done before many, many times.

That's nonsense in reaction to some words by Noam Chomsky, quoting Bertrand Russell. I have to go to the source and come up with a complete post. But that's where it comes from, anyway. It is (their words) something that should be believed, and when the effort is made it is calming.


Something unrelated I would also like to quote but lack: Borges and his terse, tangential, reaction to the statement "a poet must be a poem". I provide you with an original paraphrase. A poet must be a poem in the same way that an architect must be a building, a politician a law, a pilot a flight?

I'm concerned about art and its presentation, and its association with people or ideas that can be marketed successfully. A poem does not need a poet to be a poem, but does a poet need to be a poem?

Maybe only when the level of fame and competency of the poet are both "low", maybe not. This is something I've been considering. I'll get back to you, maybe.

Friday, October 3, 2008

if you are celebrated for the creation of something essentially mindless, but celebrated for reasons beyond it being mindless (ie: you are hailed as a kind of genius) you have to begin to destroy the things that you've made

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My Next Novel

"The Da Vinci Code meets The Tale of Croesus' Ancestor Gyges and the Naked Queen, meets Scrambling Desperation, meets One Thousand Nights and a Night, meets My Desire to Tell Lies About the World."

I imagine that the Da Vinci Code leads, in any successful pitch.

Technological Solution

This entry has been written well after the fact, without the aid of a transcript.

On CBC radio this morning, a man who was the former CEO of Shell Canada talks about the Alberta tar sands. He is an important man in one of the major companies mining the sands for oil (SUNCOR or SYNCRUDE). I can't find his name or a more specific description of who he is.

The interviewer asks a variety of questions. One of the questions is "Your industry is criticised for its dependence on Natural Gas for the extraction of oil, how do you respond to that?" They're looking for energy alternatives. Another thing she wants to know about is the fact that five barrels of water are used to extract one barrel of oil. He says that is not as bad as it sounds, and that they only use one to five percent of the constant flow of the mighty Athabasca river, which I believe is a misleading statistic.

The woman asks the man about the environmental damage of oil sands production, something that it is known for specifically, even within the larger oil-extraction community. She talks about toxic bitumen pools that kill birds as they land, as well as deformed river fish and frogs, and the potential for contaminating groundwater. These are all legitimate problems. She asks what (SUNCOR or SYNCRUDE) is doing to address these concerns.

They are putting a lot of money into technological solutions, says the man. They are putting a lot of money into technological solutions, and they hope to have some positive results within a few years.

That is the same as saying that I am terrible man, but I am not currently working on fixing my behaviour, because I have been funding research for a technological fix. I hope I will be solved by throwing money on scientific applications, but am doing nothing really to curb my poor behaviour, which includes the shooting of ducks in public locations, as well as doing donuts with my ATV in the middle of school playgrounds.

Money does not necessitate a solution. Throwing money at a problem does not necessitate a solution.

Somehow, after Pierrot Le Fou

It smells like the comforting mold of a cottage planked in golden wood.

An unforced, brief moment of subtle transcendance.

A sun-room filled with old pillows and furniture, a weathered paperback novel.

An unforced, brief moment of subtle transcendance.

The trees. A presence in the air, melting it into the sun.

An unforced, brief moment of subtle transcendance.

The half-lit kitchen. The real and surreal... Having eyes, and ears, and a mouth.

An unforced, brief moment of subtle transcendance.

Bathed in a warm newspaper. Curling up into sober tales of calm men flapping their arms in front of thirty million people, while bombs go off in the background, and somewhere a man says "Shit," and fumbles for the fuse.

An unforced, brief moment of subtle transcendance.

You're wrong if you think you are more obscure. You're wrong if you think you are more obscure. You're wrong if you think you are more obscure.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Pigeons are my mortal enemies

When I am on my bicycle I am faster than everyone but middle-aged men and women because I travel at reasonable, efficient speeds, and men and women in their middle ages travel too quickly because they are worried about death and afraid. Sometimes the way they like to challenge me is frightening, because they are bitter about lost youth, and if I ever get in their way I know they would not flinch at the idea of pushing me on the ground, which they did once, wrecking my bike.

In the bathroom on my way out of the hospital, my backpack in the corner by the door. The doorknob twisting frantically and some uhhing and grring and other frustrated mumblings, the door handle continuing to twist as I sit on the toilet and watch and say "Someone's in here", in a voice that's not meant to be anything but comes out a bit smarmy and annoyed. Justified, maybe, because the handle moves in a way that I don't like and it jitters too much and it really seems as if someone's trying the "coin trick" and trying to get inside.
            I think that's it but just as I am finishing up I hear heavy wailing with the words "Help me! Help me!" shouted loudly in a thick Eastern European accent and the throbbing of the woman's voice is terrible like she is leaking blood out of her abdominal cavity. I hurry to get out but hilariously need to flush and wash my hands. My flush comes just as a nurse or doctor reaches her, it's like an exclamation mark and when I finally exit the room there are five people surrounding the wailing woman and her daughter, who's just passed out in a chair.
            "Oh, she's just passed out," I think.
            I am completely blank.

It's a cliché at Queen and Yonge, like something out of a high-energy cartoon. Two businessmen in suspenders, white shirts, and ties, are driving SUVs side-by-side in anger, honking and carrying on like young brothers tussling in line. The two men stare into each other's eyes and fight for position, hating the other man's guts. Pedestrians, cyclists and other cars are nervous, because if it wasn't such an inconvenience the two men would run over every single thing in their path.
            Later I'm drag-raced by a Discount trunk, and under a bridge a pigeon almost kills me, because pigeons are my mortal enemies.

How bizarre it is that in the future an ordinary person might casually express an emotion using Orson Welles' clapping hands.


 

anyway when I was washing the dishes from the vegetarian chili, the best lisa has ever had the water smelled like minestrone soup just like anna the old italian woman, who watched us and wrestling, used to make, but lisa refused to see for herself because the concept of smelling used-up sudsless dishwater is unappealing, probably for everyone, and I didn't notice because it came one-at-a-time in grades, and the smell itself I found slightly comforting, and nostalgic.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

In the Future Everyone Lives in an Art Museum

Sometimes I get in fights with my neighbour Sam the plumber, who I believe is deranged. On the odd nights I forget to lock the door he comes into my home while I am sleeping and fucks around with my things, most usually my cans, which he throws about, making such a mess and racket that you wouldn't believe. I tackle him to the floor, usually, and whisper diplomatic-sounding words in his ear, or else I chase him out with a large iron-studded plank that I keep for this purpose.
              On the days I am feeling diplomatic I tell him to 'Calm down', 'Calm down', 'Calm down', and I say 'What are you doing Sam, this isn't even your place.' Sometimes he will go on raging like a maniac and I will scream in his ear and push off and run to grab my plank before he wises up and arms himself with a can or something else. Other times he snaps out of it easily enough and says things like 'Sorry, Neville,' or 'I just don't know what comes over me.' Those are the days that I say sorry too, for tackling him, and together we pick up the cans and mop up the ones that have split.
              It is our custom to have tea. We have tea often, for it is a soothing balm that calms our spirits and makes us forget all of the depressing wonders and truths about the world. When I am feeling diplomatic and Sam is diplomatic back we never part without having a cup or two, and discussing all of various things going on. It is important to keep on like this, for it is a sin to hold grudges, and besides, Sam doesn't mean what he does. You have to make allowances for the few people you got, and to hold onto them as if they were fastened to you with bolts of thick iron, even if you suspect they may be deranged.

Monday, September 22, 2008

When you drop names like Heath Ledger or Anderson Cooper or, I don't know, the Jonas Brothers, you are immediately googled. It's bizarre. I barely even know who the Jonas Brothers are, but now that I have invoked their name, I am confident that I will receive many visits from ravenous fans interested in devouring them. Especially if I hint at some hidden secret of theirs that I have picked up through privelege, such as: did you know that Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers have been known to occasionally participate in all-night sessions of-- I can't even bring myself to say it. Pictures! Pictures! Pictures!

Maybe a project is to insert a distinguished (and perhaps related) picture of some celebrity or whatever into every post and see how that works out, except I don't really want to do that. Maybe I will just blog daily about the Large Hadron Collider, as well as the Superbowl, and what Anderson Cooper has to say about hurricanes and war, and that tantalising scandal involving the Jonas Brothers.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I originally posted this months ago. Over the course of that day I pared it down and then down again, chopping off piece after piece until it became disfigured and unrecognisable. Ashamed, I took it down. Here it is again. It's much less topical, but I think it's worth it.
 
 

Endless Night
A response to Batman: The Dark Knight

Hope dies. It withers. It gets shot at. It was never really there in the first place.

In the city of Gotham, there is very little worth saving. There isn't much to like about the shotgun wielding 'good Samaritan' in the bank; the death-threatening 'angel-of-life' convict on the boat; the crooked cops; the weak, helpless, and inert. Our one moment of real humour, our collective (and early) sigh of relief, is a hockey-pad wearing vigilante, a Batman imposter, admonished and tied-up by the genuine article. It isn't long before this 'weekend warrior' is unmasked, torn to pieces on the TV news, and dropped from a tether during a scene that seemed (until that instant) to be leaning on the hopeful end of bleak. It's a telling moment: there's little time for reflection in a city where every lunch break turns into a car chase, gunfight, or bombing.

The Joker is not a man. The feats that he performs are not possible from any creature that is not supernatural. He's a ghost that haunts the end of every corridor, with a bomb rigged underneath every mailbox, car, and counter. He's—what? What's he supposed to be, exactly? The depressing, unarticulated death wish of every audience member? The oppressive, omniscient god of modern culture? Because he's everywhere, because he can't be controlled, tamed, or touched—there is menace in every moment, beyond what seems acceptable. Death hangs around every corner, not tempered by the frequent (and frequently pathetic) talk of hope. "The world is going to end," says the movie, "there is nothing good about the world, there is nothing you can do to change it," and then it shows you, shows you, shows you.

It's such an obvious device that I wasn't surprised to hear, on exiting the theatre, a young woman who'd seen the same movie express pretty much exactly what I was thinking: "Heath Ledger was God", she said, in awed tones to her friend, who quickly assented. Yes, I thought, and not one of a world I'd want to live in, not even for the short length of time that I did.

It was only later that my wife revealed that the woman behind me in the line-up to get out hadn't said 'God' but 'hot': as in attractive, sexy, desirable. She wasn't the only one. Most of the laughs the Joker earned during our showing were in the midst of threatened violence, violence, and unabashed death. A brutal pencil through the eye gag. A one-liner during a bank heist or a district attorney fundraiser.

It's fine to love a bad guy, but an evil one? There are few real questions in The Dark Knight, and there is at least one that doesn't have to be answered or asked: the joker is an evil man, and there is nothing redeemable in his insanity. What that woman was attracted to was not Heath Ledger's inherent 'hotness' (his props in the movie are garish makeup, active death, and scars), but power in its ugliest and rawest form. Power. Pure, angry, and hard.

It was only afterwards (for reasons that are obvious) that it occurred to me that I wasn't watching the movie. It happened to me. To what extent can someone be said to be 'watching' when presented with a laundry list of emotional and physical torture? I do not use that word lightly. At a certain point in the movie (I can't say exactly where) your critical reasoning turns off. You lose your sense of time. You die, only to wake at carefully chosen points, and only to wonder why you are still there. Do not expect to relax. Do not expect to think.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Q: "Hey, you're in prison. What do you talk about?"
 

A: "When I'm in prison I talk about spreadsheets and printouts. At lunch I sit with the other girls and we pull out our liquid paper and highlighters and talk about the possibility of a single period or other forms of punctuation. Sometimes we make graphs, sometimes tens of pages high, and we measure each bar and point so that it corresponds to the correct line. We break and tear at our pieces of bread, and wonder about project management, expressing our mild distress that Wilma has to reapply for the same job."

Sometimes at night you will think "Hey, I have to do this," and you will think that over and over and you will lie in bed and say out loud "Hey, I have to do this," and your wife will wonder what is up with you and laugh, and you will say "Hey, I have to do this," and she will laugh again and wonder why you just left her there, alone. But you will go and do it and come back and you think, over and over, "Hey, that wasn't really something I had to do."

Monday, September 15, 2008

Back to Earth Update

As I'm riding my bike home yesterday afternoon it's so cold that when I pull up next to a big Greyhound bus, sandwiched between the curb and the warm heat of the exhaust, I feel a bit like the snake that crawls into the car engine block, for the warmth, and dies when the car is turned on.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Aristotle's Poetics

an epigram for something contextual:
    "...for if an artist were to daub his canvas with the most beautiful colours laid on at random, he would not give the same pleasure as he would by drawing a recognisable image in black and white."

on the properties of thought:
    "Character is that which reveals personal choice; thus there is no revelation of character in speeches in which the speaker shows no preferences or aversions whatever."

on the scope of the plot:
    "A minutely small creature, therefore, would not be beautiful... nor would an extremely large one, for it could not be taken in all at once, and its unity and wholeness would be lost to the view of the beholder—if, for example, there were a creature a thousand miles long."
            Here he ignores the unity of the percieved image: whichever viewed section of the creature creates its own beauty in the mind, where it exists independently as a complete "whole". In fact, in real life, as in art, we very rarely see the whole of anything, though art can be said to be achieve "unity", and both can be said to be "complete".

on unity of plot:
    "...if the presence or absence of something makes no apparent difference, it is no real part of the whole."

on simple and complex plots:
    "...there is a big difference between what happens as a result of something else and what merely happens after it."

on tragic action:
    "It follows in the first place that good men should not be shown passing from prosperity to misery, for this does not inspire fear or pity, it merely disgusts us."

Oh, That Monster

The crew looked on and pulled at their hair. That poor boy, Binny, the lantern-keeper, was being devoured by thirteen-hundred hungry, slow-acting tentacles.
            "Ohhhhhh," cried Binny, "it stings something terrible!"
            Janson turned away, balling up his fists. "Can't we do something about it?!? We're standing around holding our yin-yangs and pulling out our hair!"
            "It won't be long now," said the old soothesayer.
            "You and your damn predictions!" said Janson, lifting the old man by the collar and pressing him high up against the aft cabin. "What good have they done us, eh? And now poor Binny's got the brunt of it!"

Friday, September 12, 2008

I have vowed not to stop until every facet of human life is commodified and contained.

"Robbers came and took all my shit!" 
 

I left the door open, I was playing pool at The Patio, and when I came home I found out, damn, "Robbers came and took all my shit!" 
 

All my shit is gone. My video games, man. My girly magazines! "Robbers came and took all my shit!" You got a couple of bucks, man? I could use a couple of bucks right now. I was lucky they left a piece of a magazine, that's all they left! A woman's left breast, caught in the wooden leg of a wingback chair. That's all I got, man. "Robbers came and took all my shit!!!"

Davis wants to have dinner with Jesus

On the bus I put my hands calmly in my lap and recite what I would say over dinner with Jesus. How I would ask him how he is doing, how I would say it exactly like this: "Hello Jesus, how are you?" How I expect he will smile and nod politely, and be thrilled to be having dinner with a man in the twenty-first century. How I will ask Jesus to pass the salt and he will say something funny, a simple joke about how I'm already the salt of the earth. How I will laugh at the joke and Jesus will smile because he appreciates the laughter.

How I will say "Look! I think I see the pattern of Jesus in the window condensation! But-- oh, it's just His reflection!", and we will all laugh again, and then, ice firmly broken, finish our meals.

How, when we are waiting for the plates to be cleared, I will look at Jesus in the eyes and say, "Oh, Jesus, what was it like being dead?" and his eyes will brim up with tears and understanding, and he will say "It was terrible." I will know exactly what he means, and Jesus will know that I have a good, kind, heart. At the end of the meal I will offer to pay the bill (I do not want to look cheap for Jesus), but Jesus will wave me off and pay by converting a big jug of water into expensive, delicious, wine. The wait staff will cheer and jump, and Jesus will take me by the shoulder and lead me outside.

How he will give me a pat on the back and a wink and say "Just do good by others, is all," and I will understand, I will understand everything, and I will know that Jesus thinks I am a good and worthy man.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

long, graceful neck. curved and controlled like a film star. how you are 'nominally' in love, how there is a desire to know this person, as there is a desire to know anyone that stands out. how most of intimacy is a desire to know the other person. how this desire becomes latent if we have no need to exercise it, how it becomes almost bored... "it would be nice to know this person, this woman who is composed like a film star, but I don't really want to know."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The blog dance.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It is weird to be in a blogosphere!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It is strange!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

This is a blog!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

It's a three-dimensional circle!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I mean--- everyone links, everyone is linking!!!

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Look, I'll link someone with their name!!

00000088888888888888777777777777777--------------7ds6sssssssssgggggggggggggg

PAMELA ANDERSON COOPER WIL WHEATON

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I would not call it schizophrenia, but sometimes I have difficulty sincerely using the word "I".

My relationship to Strategic Directions

For years I have denied that I have any relationship to Strategic Directions. But when I worked on a project, Strategic Directions and I would work closely together, close enough so that my skin brushed her skin, and her hot breath found its way to my neck. Previously, I have denied that we had such a close relationship. I know that Strategic Directions has denied this as well. The time for denial is no longer.

The world must know the truth about my affair with Strategic Directions. It is time that it is understood who the real father of A Crisis is. It is not New Development, as you must already know. It is I, Project Deliverables.

I am sorry that you all must find out this way. I am sure that you are sorry too. It is no secret that before I was viewed as a fine, upstanding man: an example to our youth. No longer. I can not imagine it will be long before the name 'Project Deliverables' is torn down and dragged through the mud. I can not say that I do not understand. I can not say that I will be unaffected. I can not say that I did not enjoy my specific amount of prestige and honor. None of that matters now. Things must change.

My relationship with Strategic Directions has cast a shadow on all aspects of my life. My family. My passions. My work in the public sphere. They are all superfluous and unsatisfying. I am restless. My face burns hot with rage and desperation when I hear about the scandal of A Crisis and the blackened name of Strategic Directions. Let my name be blackened with hers, and his. Let all our names be blackened forever.

Friday, August 29, 2008

How Canada is a province and how being from Canada was once as exotic as being from Argentina, the Far East, or the moon. How being from Canada was once like living in the extended factory of the woods, and how the world was pulled up and pulled up again to fill hungry mouths to the east and south. How the old money solidified and beat itself into the hills and rivets of the earth. How the wind runs and pulls around your smooth fabrics, flapping in the wind: your arms, shoulders, neck.

In some bays filled with poisons, how they are also filled with fish and other things, little creatures latched onto themselves, plentiful and good to eat, but not good. In some plains, how cattle were forced out into the cold and the thick snow and made to starve, how the old, roving troupes of hard-furred winter-eaters were shot with long-rifles and revolvers and made to lie on the ground and die.

How one men came and the other men were already there and they both looked at each other, and one men killed the other men, in some cases, or robbed them and made them to live far away, in little barrier-towns. How one men put the adults in one place and the children in the other, and how one men touched the other men's children while they were locked away.

How the whole men lived in a land-factory, how the earth was subjugated and made tame, and how all of the men laid foundations and set right-angles and grid patterns over all desireable land. How the whole men lived at right angles and tamed the world, and how they believed themselves tamed, though maybe not for a long time, maybe never.

The rain starts, as it has. A truck pulls out and groans across a stretch of road, echoing down the lane to the window. A streetcar does the same every ten minutes. Every ten minutes it is the same truck, the same streetcar, rumbling past the window, smothered under the same rain.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Humanity's relationship with its interior "god".

This argument does not presuppose or support the view that God does not or cannot exist. Instead, it speaks to the individual's personal relationship with his or her interior "god" (as explained), whether or not they believe in the "formal" God—and completely independent of the question of His existence.

  • What is most desired by humanity is what it cannot have, what it can only begin to articulate. In many cultures, this phenomenon is often described as, or with, "god". When god becomes attainable it will mark the end of man.
  • In this scenario, god cannot be obtained through perceived or spiritual attainment – he must be either caught or made. The death of humanity requires that god be transformed into something that can be actively called upon or used.
  • This is the real collective "death wish" of society. We do not merely wish to die, or even desire that in passing. We wish to obtain god, something impossible to do except in extreme moments of selfless worship, through transcendental exercises (even activities, such as art) and through gruelling or particularly dangerous experiences— and never to use as a "tool”, independent of the specific activity.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How clever you are for remembering Tolstoy, Nabokov, and Carroll. Your story is better for remembering them, though it isn't really much of a story. How interesting that you have eschewed entertainment or lasting images in favour of hinting (pathetically) at an essay you were too lazy to write. I urge you to write that essay, relate it to your experiences, relate it to a fictional story you made up in your head. Whatever you do, you must learn that fictions are not simple map-making, detailing all of the ways you are clever that you can (comfortably and uncomfortably) fit. The image must exist. It must be understood. A certain piece of it must be kept ambiguous, not for the sake of ambiguity or cleverness, but to keep the mind healthy and actively searching for god.

More on god tomorrow, if you're interested.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This morning I was smiled at on the way to work, just for riding a bicycle. Later and unrelated I discovered a red dragonfly hitched a ride in my basket, flying off and resting on the pavement after I stopped.

Monday, August 25, 2008

"uh, uh, uh, I want to create something that motivates action during the most inactive portion of a person's day, I want to create something that is so inactive and provides no physical reference point but that I can say 'went viral' which will perhaps distract me from the fact that the dissemination of my solution is worse than the problem, and causes young men and women to groan and scream and become afraid of their own brains."

Let's talk about the physical manifestation of your blog. It's choking up my sink. When I wash my hands the water flows up to the top and spills out, splashing my pants and my legs. You will agree that it does not take much water to wash one's hands. Let me tell you what it's like to be old. When you're old you confuse new and traditional media and you begin to think that a blog is worth a damn. Let me tell you a bit about your life. Your blog is not worth a damn. You are probably old (or you seem old) and you talk about your blog in old fashioned ways, like bragging to the bored girl you picked up at the bar, who is thinking of her old boy and how he never used to corner her with anecdotes about that time you cleverly dissected the metaphysics of the first and the second HULK.

It is inspiring to read well-written books of literary criticism on subjects you know little about. Illuminated thusly, it becomes clear that Borges was a natural progression of the literary mode.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Meditation is the physical act of writing

Sam walked into the hat complex gripping tightly to the brim of his favourite hat. It sparkled gold and had large light-blue stripes.
            He took it off and presented himself formally to the secretary waiting in the front hall.
            "Hello," he said. "My name is Sam."
            The secretary nodded and rubbed his hands through his brillo-creme covered hair. Sam's left hand twitched. He continued.
            "I've come to register my hat. I believe it to be worth registration."
            The secretary pointed to a nearby pile of forms. He grunted. Sam picked up one that seemed appropriate.
            The secretary grunted again, annoyed.
            "Oh," said Sam. "Sorry." He picked up another other form which had before seemed superfluous. It was exactly what he needed. He brightened, smiling thanks.
            "Do you have a pen?" he asked.
            The secretary frowned. He sat up in his chair and shook his head.
            Sam felt a bit nervous. He laughed.
            "But I need it to fill out this form. And you've got several on your desk."
            The secretary shook his head and turned away. He pretended to be doing other work.
            Sam frowned. He checked his pockets again. He sat down on the tile floor in front of the desk.
            "I don't know where to get a pen," he said, deep in thought. He put his hat back on. He searched under the desk. His hands felt the rough and dusty cracks in the floor. He heard the click-click-clack of the computer keys. He scrunched up his face in thought.
            "I don't even know the first thing about pens, or forms."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How I hold the door open for the police officer, and, unrelated, think about pouring out my hot cup of tea all over the pavement, for no real reason, so I drink it anyway.

In the soft light of an office near a bank of computer stations, I wait amidst pinned-up protocols, acres of spiral-wire, and binders marked "G A L L U P".

I think 'How I need to get out of here' and whisper it under my breath. I think 'How I need to get out of here' and whisper it under my breath, while also whispering 'I am a ghost' and 'I am a ghost'.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fiction succeeds and fails based on the strength of the image created in the mind

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The banality of the machine

The young man receives a call in the middle of the day from a machine which playfully "uhs" at the digital recollection of his name. The machine describes a number to be called and a number to be injected, magically, into a future conversation. The young man worries about all of the various ways he might be eaten, and worries that he is no longer permitted life.
            "I may have to pay to release myself from this prison, and that is probably the only way it can be done."
            The number confirms his suspicions and lets him know, in a cheery voice, that he should have known. The young man and the number laugh and hang up the phone. The young man views the phone call as an unnecessary, but necessary, omen, releasing him from his prison without cost, with a bill paid pre-call.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Apologies to Evelyn Waugh and Everyone Else

Julia used to say, 'Poor Sebastian. It's something chemical in him.'
            That was the cant phrase of the time, derived from heaven knows what misconception of popular science. 'There's something chemical between them,' was used to explain the over-mastering hate or love of any two people. It was the old concept of determinism in a new form. I do not believe there was anything chemical in my friend.
            I believe that there was something else entirely in Sebastian, some long-armed skeleton standing behind the curtain and clinging to the wallpaper with his long, bony hands. I did not believe there was anything of the chemical in him, but something of the skeleton, warbling its solemn voice in the background, which itself was something like the atonal beats of a heavy plank on old, hollowed wood.
            I did not believe there was something chemical in the skeleton. The skeleton and Sebastian were completely free of anything chemical.
            I suppose they were both haunted: Sebastian by the skeleton, the skeleton by his inability to leave Sebastian. Or, rather, I assume it was something that haunted the skeleton, for I hardly knew him, and only made his acquaintence those few and scattered times Sebastian permitted me to meet him.
            I am not sure if the plank or the hollowed-out trunks of old wood were haunted, but I remember something said by the skeleton which hinted, quite tenuously, to this fact.

When I was young I asked what paté was and was told that it was "the engorged liver of an adult goose".
            I looked at the geese I knew, who waded hip-deep in ponds floating with thick scum, fighting over garbage and making such an unnatural sound, and I thought that the liver of an adult goose must be dark, ugly, and the consistency of the shit they left on the ground.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The shy woman picked up the telephone and held it in her hands. She looked at the keypad, framed by her thin fingers. She looked out the window and was met with the wide undulating hills of her homeland. She chuckled to herself.
            "Could I really be so timid?" she thought.
            She pressed the correct sequence of buttons on the keypad and hung up.
            "Maybe I should go to the bathroom first," she said.

Friday, August 15, 2008

How page numbers are distracting in this modern age of count-downs, and how, for a more relaxed reading, we should eliminate all page numbers, if that is even possible in this world of stiff men and cruel obligation.

HHHHHH how the hot spider of the andes named the bora bora spider flexes its muscles and shoots hot steam at would-be intruders, at potential lovers also, how the steam is caught in fine and excellent webs, pulling off and forming into tight-knit bubbles carrying the unborn children of the spiders up and a certain, particular, distance away.

everything I learned about weaving stories I learned from my own loose interpretations of reading Borges "unmentored"; dangerous, and tethered to myself.
 
 
 
 

hhhhhhhhhhhh howohwowohwohwhohwowhohwwowohwoowowhowhowohwohowowohwo hoowow ohwowohwowohoh whoho o ow ow ohw howohw w ho woh whwhowhoohwohw ohw how hoowhoh whow h who woho woh wow ho wohwohhowhowohwo hhowohwohw ohwohwohowohwhowohwohowohwowhowohwohwoowhowwohhowwow !!!!
 

Leh issing glow is missing gloes, eat choco lettes and mira culls, show me your personality. bird has come to the sailor. who has come to the tiger. come over see. my greed will cure your greed.
 
 

To hat, to hide, to rock, to ride.
 

The lake rollled over as a n un feeling rollover rocking red rock watch rizzed raun, raun the main man of the big disc rantrap tight, tight tight tight dizz, dog.
 
 
 

The thirsty robot drank a tall ton of fizzing blue soda water, then smacked his lips with the back of his hand. "Ah, ah, ah ahhh," he said, relishing the last drop. "That feels good to my robo-innards. I can feel them buzz-buzzing up!" He swiveled, danced, and shook. His eyes popped and his hands raised to the ceiling. He belched, and laughed. "To be a robot these days!" he said, with a twinkle in his shiny robot view-finder. "What fun!"
 
 

Tehytf ht t they hdd rthe old israeli honor guard sat at the left bank and watched all the palestinians come and go down. "Come, let's salute them wiht our hats," and they bared their teeeth and shot old muskets into the air.
 

A frog with a runner's gait and pork-bellied hat, apologising to the nearest hog. "Sorry for taking your belly fat, old chum, it just made the most charming top!"
            The nearest hog snarling and saying that's quite all right, that's quite all right really, it's been a while since I've tasted live, squirming frog.
 

ALICE brushed the small foot of her left shoe.
            "I hate to leave it all marked up by the grit and sand," she said.
            Norman agreed.
 
 

André thought about how it is hard to commit to a thing such as straight typing but how he likes it also and how he is, for whatever reason, committed to teaching it to himself right now. He remembers how once he typed up long, three thousand word chapters in one sitting each and spent the following weeks planning how his story would fight for brief life and then peter out and die.

For the reader and the product it can not all be about process. But in this tired and dead world it must be a little bit about process, to get people excited about walking around and stubbing their toes.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Observations based on accounts from my cousin the marine

The United States is tough and full of unexamined, engorged egos. Manliness is a disease you wear on your fists and use to pummel smaller, or less well-versed, men into submission for a variety of failures, including perceived Femininity (another disease), perceived bad manners, and perceived threats to your honour and/or Manliness disease.

You too could be a drunk beat up in a parking lot. Or a sweet, sad kid who doesn't quite fit in...

In Saudi Arabia beheading is an institutional act, a justified and acceptable form of execution. Islamist terrorists performing them are therefore only expressing their desire to be seen as agents of a legitimate system, as shocking as their methods might be.

Overheard in a hospital cafeteria.

"Put that man in jail for twenty years. Put that man in jail for ten years. If I might be put in jail for ten-to-fifteen years, I'm going to think twice about what I'm going to do."

Monday, August 11, 2008

Oprah going out on service

Oprah reading the bible with you. Oprah asking you questions about what you just read. Oprah asking you questions about your life. Oprah pulling colourful magazines out of her long, flowing robes. Oprah wishing you goodbye. Oprah visiting you every week. Oprah comforting you with her soft wide arms, pulling them tight around your body and squeezing you into her chest.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Planet of the Blue Moon.

Jason opened his eyes. It was dark outside. He groaned and set his palms out, flat on either side, to push himself off the hard ground. His wrists hurt afterwards and he rubbed them with his hands. He looked out the window. The moon was its usual, striking blue.

The thin petty man inside me, who sweats and has hands like delicate unfurled dragon wings, wishes that he hadn't parked his bike next to the couple arguing in front of the hospital this morning, worrying that one will kick the bike idly or mangle it in their anger without a second thought. He thinks about how they will, perhaps, puncture the tires, and thinks nothing of their small children in strollers or set loose, scrambling over the pavement and benches, stopping, occasionally, to stare at their arguing gods.

Norman tried on his new roommate.
            "He feels nice," he said, "but maybe he's a bit tight in the arm."
            The tailor made some adjustments to his notes. Norman tested the range of his arm and its movement.
            "Yeah," Norman said, "it's definitely too tight."

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Typically, how many times in a day will you pray?

I owe this moment of clarity to a rapidly unfolding receipt, which I pulled out of my pocket and straightened as if with hands alien to my body.
 

Describe your juxtaposition fantasy.

Friday, August 1, 2008

The coming and going of trains.

A train arriving at an empty platform, coming to a complete stop. The agitated thoughts of the men and women on the other side, waiting in a thick crowd. Turning their heads and watching the slow blossoming of orange light on the tunnel walls.

Coming up the wrong flight of stairs. Wrestling with your own labyrinths, in your head. A couple pressed against a pillar. The boy leaning into the girl; being pushed away as the train comes and people gather from below. Far down the platform, the hesitant tenderness of a woman that you know existed, but is now dead.

The wrong stairs leading to the wrong train, waiting again. Benches that billow out of patterns of white and orange, white and orange. You sit down. A man comes and sits at the far end of the platform. The empty tunnel groans. A woman comes and sits at your bench. The tunnel stirs like the snorting and pawing of some terrible beast. Waiting for it to come out. The restless sounds of its struggling, pawing; thinking how calm we wait for our own deaths.

Monday, July 28, 2008

On Playing Sexual Games at the Age of Fourteen

Sometimes I think about the possibility of being a gorilla and how my shoulders hang back and how the flesh (of which there is perhaps too much) hangs off in a healthy way and how I don't have time for the same games others do, and how that's not through posturing but from the plain facts of inclination and experience, and how it hasn't always been nice, and it's just a fact.

It applies to almost anything but I remember once when I was in grade nine two girls who were in love with me, who sat near me, and the one who "talked about me every day" to her friend when I wasn't around. How the girls dressed up like a cat and a devil for Halloween and wore shorts and fishnets that began at their ass, while we were only fourteen, I was only fourteen, maybe I was twelve because the girls were in grade nine, that's definite, and to me it seemed too much and something else I didn't understand.

I remember the girl that I liked, how I made her laugh by saying the word 'communism', how she wore a leather jacket which I didn't care for but had a smile that used to kiss me on the cheek, which I loved. How we didn't do any work and watched sad old Borgatti, Harvard grad, dance and flirt with the young preps at the other end of the class.

Old Borgatti came over to me once, on the first day of school, and said something, I don't remember what, but my response wasn't engaging enough so he just left and found someone else, some group, some girl who wore shorts that ended at her ass every day, not just Halloween. How my idea of Borgatti is his smug, fat face, and the image loop (I'm not sure if this ever happened) in my mind of him flirting with a young girl, playing keep away with something she loved, some young guy playing too, challenging Borgatti in the way that men sometimes do even when it seems like they're on the same side.

In those early days when I was still young and wondered which girls were having sex, because you could still wonder then, it was before everyone went sex-mad, sex-crazy, and you heard about girls you thought you knew taking their tops off for older guys in an above-ground pool at a party you fell asleep in a hammock at, the one where you and the other boys opened the door just a crack and the van light came on and you saw half a glimpse of half a man having sex with half a woman, the rest all girls and boys.

As I was saying before I got sidetracked by tales of old handsy teachers and misplaced sexual delinquency, sometimes I think about the possibility of my being a gorilla and my unwillingness to play any kind of game and how the girl with the smile and the Halloween fishnets told me what I later discovered was a lie, that she was seeing someone, someone older, from the United States, and she visited him sometimes by herself and I guess I figured they were having sex because a branch in my head turned off and I thought "Hey, no thank you; no thank you, hey."

Friday, July 25, 2008

I am thinking about creating a post, which is why I am here. I want to string letters into words, words into sentences, and sentences into images which float up into your mind.

What I am thinking of writing about, briefly, is the pure white coat of the Ermine. The Ermine is a creature so meticulously well-kept that it stops dead in its tracks if hunters manage to corner it with carefully placed pits of mud. It does this to ensure that its coat remains pristine, whatever the fate of its body and life.

r o b o t   s u b t e x t

WeTchatted H at E the valet S RBC A tent D at D the E Canadian S Open. T You told T me H you O are U at G McGill H and T I S told you A that R I E went to T Western, H Mac E and U O of N T. E You S have an U awesome N smile S and A great I legs. D Interested . in . a . coffee??

but thought a hundred times.

Dog snarled and picked up his garden shears.
            "You've had these for weeks. They're mine. I need them to trim the hedges. How ungrateful. How ungrateful you are when I lend you my nice, fine things."
            I scratched my left hand.
            "You're right you're sorry," he continued. "Look at this shrub. It's unbalanced and all out, it's everywhere. I need to trim it right now," which Dog did.
            "I'm sorry, Dog. Dog. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Dog. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did all that I did."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Photorealism is standing at the window and watching the rain land on the industrial-courtyard roof, with the gravel-on-concrete floor, and thinking "This isn't photorealism, this isn't photorealism at all, that's something else."

Violence is a man punching another man, a man punching another man and kicking him in the chest. So that you don't really know which man is punching which man, so that the camera zooms in so close and fast that you see the action which is only explained by the motion after it, the movement of the violence-ghosts explaining the results of the last scene.

Realism doesn't exist and you sometimes think that it does or that it could, but it doesn't yet, not yet.

Norman broke his spleen into two pieces and handed me one piece and we ate both pieces together, under the thick tarp we'd stretched overhead. I ate mine raw because that is my preference, but he lightly sautéed his in a heavy pan with a drop of butter and two eggs, one of which I ate, and three slivers of garlic, which we carefully retrieved from the pan and replaced in the wax paper we keep in our pockets. Boorn ate nothing. He had nothing, and as he was allergic to eggs and unwilling to eat the spleen, he sat and watched us with his big, greedy eyes.
            "Perhaps I will try a bit of spleen next time," he finally said, when we were done.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I found myself in the hospital library. I thumbed through the books and stopped at A Catalogue of Bacterial and Infectious Diseases and read aloud from my favourite passage:

--the diagnosis was confirmed by my good friend and colleague, Dr. Lorraine Watt. The umbilical cord was cut with ordinary scissors from the house, rooted out of a drawer. The baby was wrapped in an old strip of linen, whose origins are ominous (the mother does not know where it came from) but which you can be sure was not charred. Knowing what the neighbours assisting in these sorts of births understand of sepsis, and having seen much of the associated conditions myself, it is a wonder that tetanus has not become a phenomenon more universally known.
bandwidth is briefly, casually, used as a metaphor for the thought processes of the human brain: http://www.1up.com/
do/pr
eviewPage?pager.offset
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People want to move. People want to exert themselves. They want the freedom lost by their fear of life. They see abstract figures moving in parallel worlds and the freedom of movement confuses them and makes them want something they can never have, not in the way that they think.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

IT IS JULY SIXTEENTH AND THIS IS MY FOURTH ENTRY

When the bus doesn't come I finish reading a story about a library filled with hexagonal chambers and books containing variations of twenty-five characters repeated endlessly on four hundred and ten pages forty lines deep. The bus doesn't come and the man in front of me is wearing some kind of Kareem Abdul Jabbar jersey but it's a regular fit and looks like it might be for soccer, which is strange. I find it interesting, but not too interesting. His girlfriend is wearing sunglasses and she looks at me with my backpack and heavy bag and she looks at me up and down like I am nothing and she won't stop and I wonder why. I think, "I am not that bad", and I just came from a place where the water is deep and cold and the waves can be seen from the window, as well as gulls, fireflies, and large contingents of turkey vultures. I think, "I am not that bad, really, and I'm just taking the bus, as are you" but eventually I become tired of having to think things and looking at a poor woman whose eyes don't respond to my eyes because they are hidden behind expensive black glass.

I know my back is strong and I have been thinking about how strong I feel lately so I pull my arms through the backpack straps and pick up my heavy bag and walk out of the station, down the road. The whole time I think about how terrible the bus system is on Woodbine because I am forced to walk and how the bus would have been crowded anyway because there were sixty people on the platform waiting for the same bus, thirty of them children laughing and carrying on. I walk quickly, but at an even pace, I'm walking downhill and I'm right, the bus doesn't pass me and I just beat it to my stop, a half-hour walk from the station, in the sun.

AUTOSUMMARY

"From Norman". "Norman?"
                    Dog nodded.
Norman frowned.           Dog growled.           Norman stood. Norman slept. Norman’s room.           “Dog?           Norman nodded. Norman coughed. Norman nodded. Norman smiled. Norman watched and laughed.
Dog spoke.
          Norman nodded. Dog jumped.          Norman nodded. Norman didn’t laugh.          Dog shrugged.          Norman eyed Dog. Norman walked too. Norman’s head swayed. Dog stared. Norman laughed. Norman chewed.
Norman swallowed. Dog grinned. Dog shivered. Norman’s eyes had rolled. Norman’s eyes closed. Norman shrugged. Norman jumped. Norman’s head shouted. Norman shouted.
          Norman shouted.
          Norman nodded. Norman blinked. “Really?           Norman stuttered.          Norman nodded.          Norman blinked.          Dog turned to Norman.           Norman smiled thinly.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I use assent words too much.
"YEAH"
"HA-HA"
"TOO"
ME TOO, YEAH, HA-HA

Last night I spent two hours or more making filling and rolling rice paper and baking and the end result wasn't as good as I expected and wasn't really a meal or worth the time. It was hot that night and I stuck to the sheets and my wife kept mumbling and making her little night sounds and she was lost behind a blanket wall that she'd thrown off but I'd left because I thought at some point she might get cold. I leaned over and tried to kiss her on the cheek and tell her I loved her but I missed and kept hitting her arm. The fan whirred and roared but I turned it up anyway and I couldn't sleep for a long time and it was something about the size of the bed, sticking to the sheets, the night air.

The raccoons were in the long grass pool we found in the park, criss-crossing it horizontally and vertically, parsing through the water as if they were manually scanning individual lines of code, or the head of a personal computer printer, running back-and-forth, back-and-forth. We watched them dig their hands through the dirt and the muck until we got tired and went as close as we could, which was close until the dog and the man came and we walked back.

There was a river in the street when she came home and she just came from a car and she was soaking wet, all over soaked. I adjusted the window in the living room and noticed it was wet where the rain came in and she took off her shirt and turned on the lights and a little black Volkswagen Beetle paused on the street in front of our house as I did my adjustments, shirtless myself, looked up at us through the window and moved on. I got the idea that it was our friends, who know where we live and have that kind of car, and I said "That's kind of funny or weird" more than once.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

CANADA DAY

The fireworks spat out of a wheelbarrow anchored with sand and my father hurried back to get far enough away before sparks flew and balls of flame-spit lobbed themselves into the sky. A firefly winked in the darkness and Lisa didn't see it so I pointed and it winked again but she missed it and the fireworks went up so I tracked the firefly with my hand and told her where it was and it was there and she saw it wink as bombs went up and exploded with a loud bang.

Inside the dogs jumped and barked and ran back to their cage or pissed all the way down the stairs, because they were old. My sister came in and she looked at the stairs and they were wet and she said "Hand me a rag, the stairs are wet because the dog peed." And we all thought how sad and sweet the piss was while the other dog looked at us head bowed and trembling and would not come out of his cage.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

MONOLITH/FLY PAPER

MySpace Hotmail YouTube Wikipedia Facebook MySpace Euro Cup Britney Spears WWE Paris Hilton Naruto Beyonce Lindsay Lohan Baseball MLB FantasR: Late pm recovery run: 4.5M in 41:13, 122 AHR. Ran late at night from friend's house. Pleasent and lNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex owkey. Holliston is a pretty town. F: am: 8M in 1:08:08--a complete guess as I ran the trails at Hopkinton State Park. 138 AHR. pm 4.14M in 34:48, 124 AHR. First true doNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex uble in a year. More to come as Fall comes up... Today: 6.15M in 52:00, 131 AHR Trails this time in Ashland State Park. Long run tomorrow--sort of. Otherwise, a bit tired from driving, but feeling good in my Naked Nude Sex Hardcore SoftcorPornography Sex running.y Football Fergie Jessica Alba Mac Nintendo Microsoft Wiki Video Maria Sharapova Boston Red Sox New York Yankees Toronto Maple Leafs New Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex England Patriots Indianapolis Colts Peyton Eli Manning Tom Brady Terrel Owens Boston Celtics Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant Shaquille O'Neal Pau Gasol Kevin Garnett Paul Pierce Ray Allen T.J. Ford NBA Draft NHL NFL Design HDTV Games Music Chicago Bears Chicago Cubs Philadelphia Phillies Web2.0 3.0 David Beckham Victoria Adams Serena Venus Williams Christiano Ronaldo Manchester United Chelsea Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex F.C Real Madrid Recycling Global Warming Freecycle Earth Pollution Al Gore Oil Hybrid Cars Solar Energy Biofuels Harry Potter Anna Nicole Smith Super Bowl Ronaldinho Mats Sundin Montreal Canadiens Hannah Montana George Washington iTunes iPod Wii Xbox 360 Playstation 3 Sony Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Apple Guitar Hero John McCain Barack Obama Scandal Terrorist Fist Jab Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Tom Cruise Katie Holmes George Clooney Afghanistan Albania Algeria Andorra Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Angola Antigua and Barbuda Argentina Armenia Australia Austria Azerbaijan Bahamas Bahrain Bangladesh Barbados Belarus Belgium Belize Benin Bhutan Bolivia Bosnia and Herzegovina Botswana Brazil Brunei Bulgaria Burkina Faso Burundi Cambodia Cameroon Canada Cape Verde Central African Republic Chad Chile China Colombia Comoros Congo Brazzaville Congo, Democratic Republic of the Costa Rica Croatia Cuba Cyprus Czech Republic Denmark Djibouti Dominica Dominican Republic Gah. I've spent all afternoon sorting out a wiki all about Facebook, blogs and Twitter. ThNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex is is all work stuff, as I'm helping run a workshop on Web 2.0 gubbins for librarians this Thursday. Personally I'm expecting it to sink like a lead ballon, since free and open communication doesn't come naturally for the folks I work with. "What? It doesn't Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex< run on the campus network - can we download Twitter and run it locally inside the firewall. Oh, and all Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex tweets will have to be passed by the management committee that meets twice a month..." You may laugh but I'm laying good Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex that something along those lines comes out of this event (a number of the managers will be there - should be "Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex"). In the meantime I've been reading a paper that the Uni of Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Bath produced on Twitter, and was very amused to note that "Power users of Twitter update 11 times a week." A week? Honestly. I've done it 13 Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Naked times today... East Timor Timor Timur Ecuador Egypt El Salvador Equatorial Guinea Eritrea Estonia Ethiopia Fiji Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Finland France Gabon Gambia The Georgia Germany Ghana Greece Grenada Guatemala Guinea Guinea-Bissau Guyana Haiti Honduras Hungary Iceland India Indonesia Iran Iraq Ireland Israel Italy Jamaica Japan Jordan Kazakhstan Kenya Kiribati Korea, North Korea, South Kuwait Kyrgyzstan Laos Latvia Lebanon Lesotho Liberia Libya Liechtenstein Lithuania Luxembourg Macedonia, Former Yugoslav Republic of Madagascar Malawi Malaysia Maldives Mali Malta Marshall Islands Mauritania Mauritius Mexico Micronesia, Federated States of Moldova Monaco Mongolia Montenegro Morocco Mozambique Myanmar Burma Namibia Nauru Nepal Netherlands New Zealand Nicaragua Niger Nigeria Norway Oman Pakistan Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Palau Panama Papua New Guinea Paraguay Peru Philippines Poland Portugal Qatar Romania Russia Rwanda Saint Kitts and NeSeveral companies and professionals depend on the seamless operation of their telephone for their everyday business. For example, people frequently use the yellow pages to lNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexocate professionals in their area. Some of these professionals receive orders mainly through the tNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexelephones.Therefore, a potential disruption in their telephone service may deprive them of their customers. With the ever decreasing costs of communications, VoIP clients could create such disruption by repeatedly calling the telephone of the victim. Such attacks would be comparable to DoS (Denial of Service) attacks. However, there is a major difference between DoS attacking a computer and DoS attacking a regular telephone: While it takes several computers to DoS attack a victim computer, one single computer may easily DoS atNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sextack a large number of victim telephones.vis Saint Lucia Saint Vincent and The Grenadines Samoa San Marino Sao Tome and Principe Saudi Arabia Senegal Serbia Seychelles Sierra Leone Singapore Slovakia Slovenia Solomon Islands Somalia South Africa Spain Sri Lanka Sudan Suriname Swaziland Sweden Switzerland Syria Taiwan Tajikistan Tanzania Thailand Togo Tonga Trinidad and Tobago Tunisia Turkey Turkmenistan Tuvalu Uganda Ukraine United Arab Emirates United Kingdom United States Uruguay Uzbekistan Vanuatu Vatican City Venezuela Vietnam Western Sahara Yemen Zambia Zimbabwe Aesexual Gay Straight Bisexual Threesome Swing Transexual Hermaphrodite Queer Dyke Schoolgirl Cheerleader Fireman Police Officer Gymnast Military Teacher Bear Lolita Legs Tits Ass Photos Breasts Hot Beautiful Movies Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex 1960 South Vietnamese coup attempt 1962 South Vietnamese Independence Palace bombing 1981 Irish hunger strike 2007 Samjhauta Express bombings Mumia Abu-Jamal • Act of Independence of Lithuania Samuel Adams Alcibiades Ike Altgens Ancient Egypt Anschluss Harriet Arbuthnot Arrest and assassination of Ngo Dinh Diem Elias Ashmole Aspasia Bath School disaster Ramón Emeterio Betances Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Birmingham campaign Stede Bonnet Daniel Boone James Bowie Joel Brand Isaac Brock Brown Dog affair Byzantine Empire California Gold Rush Chalukya dynasty Choe Bu Chola Dynasty William Cooley Confederate government of Kentucky John Dee Demosthenes Discovery Expedition Adriaen van der Donck Double Seven Day scuffle Thích Quảng Đức École Polytechnique massacre Ehime Maru and USS Greeneville collision England expects that every man will do his duty Epaminondas W. Mark Felt First Crusade Anne Frank French Texas Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi Helen Gandy Franklin B. Gowen Gettysburg AddNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex Great Fire of London Growth of the Old Swiss Confederacy Hamlet chicken processing plant fire Richard Hawes Thomas C. Hindman Sheffield Hoysala Empire Hungarian Revolution of 1956 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition Inaugural games of the Flavian Amphitheatre Jersey Shore shark attacks of 1916 Muhammad Ali Jinnah Joan of Arc John W. Johnston Katyn massacre Kengir uprising Kingdom of Mysore Shen Kuo Laika Lothal Edward Low Aeneas Mackintosh Makuria Charles Edward Magoon Manzanar Marshall Plan Mauthausen-Gusen concentration camp Harry McNish Ming Dynasty Mormon handcart pioneers Elizabeth Needham Night of the Long Knives Nimrod Expedition Norte Chico civilization Emperor Norton Operation Passage to Freedom William N. Page Rosa Parks Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel Pericles Peterloo Massacre Witold Pilecki Plymouth Colony Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth Political history of medieval Karnataka Political integration of India Radhanite Sheikh Mujibur Rahman Rashtrakuta Dynasty Red Barn Murder Retiarius Rock Springs massacre Ross Sea party Rus' Khaganate S. A. Andrée's Arctic balloon expedition of 1897 Saint-Sylvestre coup d’état Scotland in the High Middle Ages Robert Falcon Scott Second Crusade Ernest Shackleton Jack Sheppard Sino-German Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex cooperation Slavery in ancient Greece Samantha Smith Song Dynasty Swedish emigration to the United States Suleiman the Magnificent Tang Dynasty Terra Nova Expedition Theramenes Tibet during the Ming Dynasty Treaty of Devol Stephen Trigg Hasekura Tsunenaga Harriet Tubman Vijayanagara Empire Giovanni Villani Rudolf Vrba Roy Welensky Western Chalukya Empire Western Ganga Dynasty Jonathan Wild YNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexagan Yellowstone fires of 1988 Zhou Tong Ziad Jarrah Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex I must conclude that Raed Jarrar is suffering from an unspecified mental disorder, perhaps due to sleeping one night too many with his head next to his trusty Geiger Counter. Over the past month, his thought patterns have slowly been losing basic consistency and more recently have started to break up completely. Let me clip and thenNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex comment.When did this fashion of beheading start anyway?Did anyone ever heard about beheading before the occupation of Iraq? Before the silly right-wing war of terror?Who do yNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexou really think created these monsters cutting heads?Raed implies that the Americans are responsible for terrorists beheading innocent civilians. Yes, of course, why didn't I see that, Raed? Of course the Americans forced Al-Qaeda to decapitate its victims!Just for the sake of argument, Raed, let's say that the Americans didn't force Al-Qaeda to decapitate its innocent victims. Where else could they have gotten this idea. Hey, how about Saudi Arabia?Saudi Arabia - the beheading capital of the modern world.Saudi Arabia uses public beheading as the punishment for murder, rape, drug trafficking, sodomy and armed robbery, apostasy and certain other offences. 45 men and 2 women were beheaded in 2002 and a further 52 men and 1 woman in 2003.The condemned of both sexes are given Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sextranquillisers and then taken by police van to a public square or a car park after midday prayers. Their eyes are covered and they are blindfolded. The police clear the square of traffic and a sheet of blue plastic sheet about 16 feet square is laid out on the ground.Dressed in their own clothes, barefoot, with shackled feet and hands cuffed behind their back, the prisoner is led by a police officer to the centre of the sheet where they are made to kneel facing Mecca. An Interior Ministry official reads out the prioner's name and crime to the crowd of witnesses.A policeman hands the sworNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexd to the executioner who raises the gleaming scimitar and often swings it two or three times before approaches the prisoner from behind and jabbing him in the back with the tip of the sword causing the person to raise their head. (see photo)Normally it takes just one swing of the sword to sever the head, often sending it flying some two or three feet. Paramedics bring the head to a doctor, who uses a gloved hand to stop the fountain of blood spurting from the neck. The doctor sews the head back on, and the body is wrapped inNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex the blue plastic sheet and taken away in an ambulance. The body is then buried in an unmarked grave in the prison cemetery.Beheadings of women did not start until the early 1990s, previously they were shot. 33 women have been publicly beheaded up to the end of 2003.Most executions are carried out in the three major cities of Riyadh, Jeddah and Dahran.Saudi executioners take great pride in their work and the post tends to be handed down from one generation to the next.Hey Raed, do you think it's possible that the fact that many of the members of Al Qaeda come from Saudi Arabia and the fact that beheading is very Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexpopular there might help explain the terrorists' predilectiikely to be the last. For the cutting of heads (in Arabic, qata al-raas) has been the favorite form of Islamist execution for more than 14 centuries.In the famous battles of early Islam, with the Prophet personally in command of the army of believers, the heads of enemy generals and soldiers were often cut off and put on sticks to be shown around villages and towns as a warning to potential adversaries.In 680, the Prophet's favorite grandson, Hussein bin Ali, had his head chopped off in Karbala, central Iraq, by the soldiers of the Caliph Yazid. The Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexsevered head was put on a silver platter and sent to Damascus, Yazid's capital, before being sent further to Cairo for inspection by the Governor of Egypt. The Caliph's soldiers also cut off the heads of all of Hussein's 71 male companions, including the one-year-old baby boy Ali-Asghar.Raed, Ya think?*Mr. Taheri, in Raed Jarrar's history book, beheading is an absolutely new phenomenon, one forced upon the innocent terrorists by the Evil Americans. Raed says:Did anyone ever heard about beheading before the occupation of Naked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography SexIraq? Before the silly right-wing war of terror?Well, yes, Raed.For centuries, from the Iberian peninsula to the Indian subcontinent, jihad campaigns waged by Muslim armies against infidel Jews, Christians, ZoroastriaNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexns, Buddhists and Hindus, were punctuated by massacres, including mass throat slittings and beheadings. During the period of “enlightened” Muslim rule, the Christians of Iberian Toledo, whodel prisoners of a jihad campaign:"Those who were brought in alive [having surrendered] were ordered beheaded, after which a tower of skulls was erected in the camp." [The Baburnama -Memoirs of Babur, Prince and Emperor, translated and edited by Wheeler M. Thacktson, Oxford University Press,1996, p. 188. Emphasis added.]Raed, Ya think?*Read JarrarNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sex's last blog is chock-full of nuts. Let's see how many we can find.Source for the first article: Check here for a little more history.*UPDATE: I have read the latest blog by Belmont Club three times already. It gets better with each reading. Through tNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexhe long summer of 1990s, the wounds festered as the infection deepened. It was masked by the ineffectual cologne of NGO projects, corrupt aid delivery, United Nations peacekeeping public relations projects, by selective media coverage and by the jangling of fund rNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexaising concerts at which the Secretary General appeared, like some secular pope, to give his blessing, until the boil burst over Manhattan on that bright autumn day. As the debris showered on New York it obscured the fact that a new post-post-colonial ideology waNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexs ready to push the Liberal edifice aside and take up the challenge of Islamic terrorism; underneath the War for Terror there was now a War for the West. Damn, this Belmont Club can write: "the jangling of fund raiNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexsing concerts at which the Secretary General appeared, like some secular pope, to give his blessiNaked Nude Sex Hardcore Softcore Pornography Sexng

Maybe this will grow.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

MAKE IT COSMIC
 
 

How essential Manchester was to the sound, and how much Joy Division’s music was rooted in place. One interviewee called their music “ambient noise” for the Manchester environment. Another said they took the landscape of Manchester and “made it cosmic.” Make it cosmic. That might be a good rule of thumb for writing about place.

"When I walk down the street I put it loud on purpose so people won't talk to me."

DEDICATION

This / is / not / the / journal /
of / a man / who / is / insane

This not journal a who

    is the of man is

insane. It is the journal of a man who sometimes worries too much about the lines of cold sober text, looking back at a life over time, his collected works, analysed by the beaks of pens belonging to men who are certainly insane.

And in the future they will say something along the lines of “Self-aware to a fault, it’s unclear what xxxxe bxxxx means in the lines of poems like Dedication, whether he really alludes to this future or had other, more complicated, motives in mind. It is a contradiction we find in many examples of in his work. In his lone commercial success, ...And I Woke in a Cold Crater on the Desolate Moon, it manifests itself in the form of the protagonist, Arby Jones, who expresses plans for the future even as he is in the act of killing himself, or professes his love after he is already dead.”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

 
 
 

 
 
 

energy can change

If you dissolve your ideas through a wide enough spectrum, pieces will be retained. If you spread your ideas and they are retained then that means change. The world is changed, because of ideas brought in and suggested subconsciously, like images in the ear of a sleeper.

 
 
 

 
 
 

I lost my wedding ring in the shower drain this morning and S. (on the phone with my wife) thought that I had died, then laughed when she found out. I've felt naked all day, and my fingers have been instinctively tracing back and forth over the empty flesh, looking for what isn't there. It's like tripping on pavement, or expecting a step-up that isn't.

THESE DAYS

I am thinking about the dissemination of art.

I am thinking about Ezra Pound.

I am thinking about a permission-system of checks, which rewards moving through proper streams to get the correct certification.

I am thinking about how that is bullshit.

I am thinking about making it work. I am thinking about knowing what I want and how to get there. Making that place yourself. With time, and work, and excitement. With energy. Seeing the future and understanding the past. Glad I did not get another job when I was looking, because I know what I want now. And comfort kills. Comfort kills and brings fear.

“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.”

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

If you seek approval from a community of people, you limit your growth to its size.

It was worth going to, but this was the magazine launch/poetry reading/open mic in a nutshell. A lot of very nice people. A lot of very confused people too, who talked about publishing 'chapbooks' and put heavy emphasis on words like "leonard" and "cohen". Who talked about how a vibrant arts community needs polemics and twirled backwards, like a dog chasing its own tail, trying to remember what those are.

But I am going back.

One night Gary asked me if I wanted to smoke. I said “Sure,” so he brought me downstairs and I sat on the couch next to a box of Fruit Loops and a girly magazine and he pulled off a couple cigarettes from his long roll, which we lit. The smoke drifted up through the ventilation and tickled the nose of my wife because our house is not properly ventilated and it’s making her sick because he doesn’t put any thought into where he smokes.

He sat with his socks up on the coffee table and asked me what I thought then laughed. I took in the fresh smoke and my head relaxed and started to repeat three words in rapid succession, I don’t know what, and Gary told me about the two cars he is working on, the ones he has parked in our backyard.

He said “I’m taking the engine out of the Explorer and putting it in the Grand Am, I should be done in about Two Weeks,” and I said Fine while alluding to the fact that many men would only talk about that and “It’s good to see him actually doing it.” His face fell for reasons I only understood later because it’s been months and the cars are still there and the backyard is filled with His Things and I’ve started to look at him like he’s an irritating bug and my wife and I look out at him out of our windows and laugh because he’s ruining our life.

Monday, June 16, 2008

SHORT NOTICE Tonight at 8 at the Concord Café on Bloor (west of ossington) misunderstandings magazine is having a magazine launch and I am reading what I call poetry (it is not) for ten to fifteen minutes.

Her things are stored at my sister Judi's and Judi brings an object or two at a time to make her feel more comfortable, she's afraid. My mother is afraid and when the things from her past are put into her room she is glad and claps her old hands. If she remembers, which she sometimes does.

My face sags.

My face sags and I stare at my mother and at Judi. Judi laughs.

"That's the silliest song," my mother says when I say what the truth is, she's had a stroke.

"You've told me before?"

"That's right."

She twirls her finger in the air, straight and pivoting on the bottom joint.

"I go round and around."

Her voice is muffled now and her eyes widen, she keeps talking.

"Where is are where is are, where are we, where is where am, my, my, my—" She puts her hand to her temple. "It's hot," she says. She leans back into her chair. "It's hot," she says. "It's hot and I've had another stroke."

No. It is hot. We're outside in the sun.

"No mom, you're just hot. It's just hot. It's hot. I'm hot too."

Judi looks at me and cringes. She pulls a red-brown ladies’ pump from her purse.

"See, mom?" she asks, holding up the pump. "See, mom? Do you remember what this is?"

My mother's brow knits up. She nods. "It's my old brown shoe. It's my old brown shoe." She holds her arms out her hands splayed and asking.

Judi puts the shoe in her hands. "Yes," Judi says.

"And what's inside?" Judi asks.

Mom looks confused. She brings the shoe closer and inspects it with her eyes. She turns it over. "Pennies," she says, as they cascade down her lap.

"Mom," I say, "I'm bored. You wanna see the nurse?" Mom shakes No. I signal for the nurse to come. Judi pats mom on the arm. "It's for the best," she says. Mom mouths "No".

The nurse comes.

"Mom said she wanted to see the nurse," I say. The nurse smiles.

"What a sweet old song," she says, looking down. Mom shakes her head.

"Bye mom," I say.

"Bye mom," says Judi.

Mom shakes her head. She looks confused. She gets wheeled away. We leave and go home.

Squinting into the rain, I lower my head, straighten my back, and pedal hard down Queen, careful not to tip my thin wheels on the slick-wet surface. I check my breaks and they squeak. My breaks squeak because the wheel-case is wet and when it is wet my pathetic breaks squeak.

A man in front of me, who I look to avoid, walks slow as he crosses the street. Takes his time. I manoeuvre out of the way, head-down, eyes-up and slits to avoid the rain. He looks at me like I am it. He sticks his hand out mock-clothesline when I pass.

"Fuck! What the—fuck?" I consider going back, but don't really. The man is insane. The city is trying to kill me, and my breaks are bad, and squeak. I turn down to the bike lane, stopping to slip my hood under my helmet, adjusting it so that it is tight. If I crash, I crash on grass, not under-car or into-arm. I have a wife. I have a wife.

It rains hard and I am all-over wet. I am soaked and the rain is thick and I think of all the times I ran in the mud, in cleats. How I didn't really mind. And I wonder what kind of man I am now. The day is covered in soft fog. My thin jacket and pants, soaked, flap in the bike-wind like a heavy flag.

Friday, June 13, 2008

2 8 2 ##(JR 9l0 9 3 8 4 dd0ss 4 6 0 9 ddokd j0xxk05 5F)$ 0 5 8 2 2 3 1 7 2 5 3 5 9 4 F()*Fhnf 1 1 7 4 5 0 2 8 90 00f09 d0-dwd --00f0F8i h(*#4 U0 f9 ff fgg           now, to dissect the ending ramifications of a large-scale further reports indicate arles showed up with a g couple that seemed to attract bottle rockets. "You arent being subtle!" Th OD OH GOD i'm going to try and lost on the ground finally, finality, finum, firtone man opened fire on them. "They had just arrived bn yet no saunt For EVENT lunatics from another group on the s morning to take his economic message to this key swing state, and made his first a oman who said she engaged in three-way sex with h God... Wha-CHAK! Jay let out a loud moan. He groaned a Russians trip and hook, all right" comment D Meds June 11, 2006 11:42 PM RSS feed for t

 
 
 
 
...and towards the past the wide gash opened up, the ground shaked, and the world tumbled down one coagulative mess.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

fixed line-height problem, blog not slowly (no longer) condensing, turning text into swirling matter, dust and gas, condensing, condensing, BLACK HOLE

read lynda barry. read lynda barry. she captures a demon you wrestled with in your past, in your week-ago, in your "aggghhh! i'm stuck".

when you're stuck or you don't know what to do:

  • turn off the computer, only to turn your write (for the time being), your head scratchings, into physical things
  • don't stop or worry, pick a topic and go at full speed, start with a sentence or an idea
  • don't try to think, don't be too clever, just flesh the idea
  • don't be to clever, now isn't the time
  • just write, don't worry about your writing
  • just write, just make
  • if for some reason your mind gets stuck, keep the pencil moving until you find the track again
  • keep going until the idea is exhausted or ten minutes, whichever is last

this is an idea I've understood subconsciously at least a couple times, but when I'd not have it, when I'd look back, I'd be like: "oooohhhhh, what is in me that is so bad now, what has happened, what is the where is the ohhhhhhhhhh, this is no good!"

now understanding a bit more, it comes to the point where, understanding it more is it like prioritising runs? forcing yourself to control?

Friday, June 6, 2008

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Sometimes this blog sticks together like plaster of paris and cements in my mind.
Sometimes where goes the mind flurry?
S
ometimes need to type dead, terrible, need to relax mind and spout out, sometimes eject newspaper shreds old ideas scattered into box reciepts, floating down
the profit demon picks them up and smiles his old shark grin, wide tooth

profit demon!!!!! socialism!!!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

RELATED NEWS ITEMS//    I set a little (eighteen-paged) book into PDF. I am working to improve how it looks. I am playing with it in a higher-powered publishing program but perhaps I will have it printed before then just to get it out. I will leave it at art galleries. I will leave it on the street. I will leave it in crannies and nooks between polished wood and brass.

   On Monday, high off a heart-pounding (pain, going to die) poor-choiced stimulant sponsored forest run, later holding a little dog wincing in pain forty times, one by one as the quills pulled out, blood, blood, jittery hands and explaining (I can't control myself, I can't lie down, I need to eat, my hands shake, I need something to calm down, to dilute the stimulants, to metabolise the adrenaline and let myself breathe, breathe)-- on Monday after all of that I discovered that I was accepted into Humber's Post-Graduate Writing Program. I left them a terrible message after I found out, fueled by the day, and was worried that they wouldn't let me in. I'm in (I think). In a couple months I find out who I'm working with.

Friday, May 30, 2008

good for the economy

The slow man with the idling car and cleft palette, whose front tire sits on the curb as he turns up the stereo and drinks litres of doughnut-shop coffee, and how that is good for the economy.
The terminal cancer patient caught in a tough divorce, addicted to unsatisfying highs, and how that is good for the economy.
The woman who thinks there is something wrong, who buys books with pastel covers to ferret it out, who nods along to daytime television and cries when the music does sweet sad leaps, and how that is good for the economy.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The reason my writing is polemical is because I have difficulty with moderation.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

this post is best viewed in internet explorer, due to forces I don't understand or control
 

In an empty warehouse, a woman sings.

Rescue workers search a room for survivors after hearing noises.

The pencil-pushing redneck, age 31, sweats as he watches from the safety of his desk.

f
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e
w
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k
s   

She's all orange, like a new tan—"Did you go tanning?" She's pulled off her shirt and her back is dark not pale and it takes us a few moments to realise it was the shirt she just pulled off. "Guess the point of that shirt is you take the Arizona sun even after you've gone," but we never went. I squirt something into my hand and spread it on the wall and it tells a story about what I just said, in braille, when it dries. We run our hands over and remember the time we ran down the street and it was all dark outside, the houses were hushed and we held hands and ran and the little girls in the second floor window screamed and screamed because the fireworks were going off over our heads and the whole place rumbled with the sound and the flash and we saw it go off, wide over the fire-station clock tower before it all stopped.

"We're missing it, we're missing it," and I said we better slow down and enjoy it now, we'd have plenty of time and then it all stopped because that was it.

 
 
Later she passes the door as I am spreading more on the wall and think for sure she is mad, I think that I've really done it now and she goes into the living room to sit down and she's mad but I can't be bothered and keep on with the wall, spreading it straight to the edge.

 
 
When we eat the apples and oatmeal hot and brown from the sugar the food tastes good and it slides down our throats. I ask her about how she was mad and she says I wasn't what do you mean and I tell her about the time she walked past the door and didn't say anything and must have had something on her mind because she didn't talk or even turn to look and I just kept spreading the wall, pretending like nothing was wrong. She says she was just waiting for the dessert to cool and I say "Oh, it was that hot?" and we eat and afterwards it's night and we lay down but I don't remember anything except that I was still spreading, in my head.

Friday, May 16, 2008

 

s o m e t i m e s   i   l i k e   c o l o u r   m o r e   t h a n   w o r d s

I like colours more than words sometimes, and I wonder what kind of writer I am. There is something about narrative I need to learn. I am not really a poet and I need to learn to write narrative in a way that I like. I am conceptual in presentation. I think. Coming through Slaughter is a model. It's a model I've read once, I need to read it more times. Ondaatje started as a poet and playwright, didn't he? Do you understand the progression best when you read through his collected works? I want to write fragments and weave them into larger things. I need help.
i, uh, i-- ha ha ha

Earlier today I tried searching for "poetry blogs". I know there are lots of art blogs on the internet but there aren't many I know of which play with words. Is everyone interesting publishing? Most of what I found is pathetic. I joined a top 100 poetry blog list (just interested in seeing who was in) and the top result had 10 votes, the second had more but I guess less recent, and his link went to a private myspace account. I haven't been to Myspace in so long I wondered briefly if it was all some kind of clever joke. It probably is, anyway.
It's not that I think I need "help" even here, per se-- I just want to know what's going on. I want to be part of a community of excited people doing interesting things, that's hard to find.

 

Thursday, May 15, 2008

w
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t
h

a
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The Bricklayer returned from his home east in Kingston, where he married an administrator. We met for drinks and along the way he said I missed you. I told him Don't you regret that I married David? And he laughed with that little tic of his, you could see something else, something sweet coming out of the soft rough whatever, his face hid a smile that came out of something, not his laugh. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in, said Don't you know that's how it is? And I said Yes and he let me go and later that night, in David's home and on the way there, I cried but he didn't know, but that was all.
i think of the man and how he is strong and i think of the power of love and i think of how it is all skewed and my life is skewered up into different men and i think of the power of love and lust and how my life changes and when i hold out my hand i can feel rain and i think of the power of love and i'm wet and outside and thinking of the men that i was, that i had. i think of the way it's all so serious and inside i am alive, i am dead, inside my head races and the traffic comes up and i want to run in, i see the building up ahead, our lone piano tower, and i want to run up with with the Pianoman and his soft fingers, and make love, and i think of how nothing's as good as in commercials and i cry at night when David doesn't hear and i think of the way i gave up what i had and want to connect with one man, every day, every week different, i want to meet and love one new man, every week.

think of the thin insanity that spreads out from certain sorts of men, with rough thick fingers and wild clothes. who sit down next to you in the park or on the train, so you can smell their musk breath, the rotted food, the cigarettes. who tell you the story of their life, talk until you want to believe in the broken past that they sell.

you think of that insanity and you think of spreading it out, thin, and paper sheets put into stack and stapled, narrative of another man, one crazy enough to leave his poetry out on the ground, like trash. you think of leaving that narrative and you think of leaving a number to a dead end, a phone with an answering machine, thanking you for your call, thanking you, thanking you, thanking you.

"let me tell you from the beginning that i already love you, i must tell you first that i love you, i love you, you called and i love you, i love you, i love you."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

 
I think since ive begun drinking i hav a much deeper appreciation for the existential existance of our generation's entire being blogs r just the beginningI think since ive begun drinking i hav a much deeper appreciation for the existential existance of our generation's entire being blogs r just the beginningI think since ive begun drinking i hav a much deeper appreciation for the existential existance of our generation's entire being blogs r just the beginningI think since ive begun drinking i hav a much deeper appreciation for the existential existance of our generation's entire being blogs r just the beginning

Thursday, May 8, 2008

 
                        
                        
                        
                                                                          
think like a dandelion, copy yourself onto the internet, think like a dandelion, think like a dandelion. http://www.locusmag.com/Features/2008/05/cory-doctorow-think-like-dandelion.html      everyone is doing it, spread like a weed, divorce seed from self, think like a dandelion, grow
                        
                        
                        
                        
                        
                        
                        
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080507.wtimbit0507/CommentStory/National/home in this long thread, love blossoms, oddly, or some kind of sexual attraction, in any case in fits and starts        hints: MJ; American Man; Regina; shower head
              

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

NOTE TO SELF

Forget about this thing, think about it in a different way than you have. Don't check it for anything, release the idea of posts. Concentrate on other things, because you don't want to be "that guy with the blog".

Write things that don't go on the internet. Write things that don't go on the internet. Don't think about the internet. Write things that don't go on the internet.

YAMALAN IS A GENI SOME SCANDINAVIAN COVER The Raw Shark Texts isn't anything it pretends to be. It is not a smart, taughtly written genre
thriller. And save for the first and last three-thousand words, it isn't much of a work of high literature either. What's interesting is that it has achieved huge success by managing to fall short of both goals, by converging into a sort-of quick-reading clever-seeming mess. It is not a book waiting to become a blockbuster, as many of the pull quotes inside claim, but a blockbuster that somehow managed to skip being both a movie and book.
Like its most interesting character, the Ludovician, it survives by feeding off the livers of that enlightened class of people who consider gimmicky endings as "deep". Who believe M. Night Shyamalan is a genius because every movie he makes, no matter how well presented, has a surpise at the end. But The Sixth Sense wasn't a success because of its twist ending, it was in spite of it: if the movie had actively worked to artificially hide the conclusion, it would have fared as poorly as The Village did. The Raw Shark Texts is not The Sixth Sense, it is not cohesive, front to back. It's a mess which falls apart well before the big 'reveal'. It's a book that pulls you in with a quick, smart, three-thousand word concept-bomb (one that had many publishers in a bidding
om The First Eric Sanderson nearly every single day. In time he discovers that he is being pursued by a mind-fish, the afforementioned Ludovician, which lives in the pooled-conceptual consciousness and he's got to blah-blah-blah save himself and the world, blah-blah, etc. The problem is that many of his concepts: the Ludovician, the conceptual-mass-consciousness, are interesting and actually worth developing. The problem is that Hall lacks the subtlety or art required to actually do this. Very quick
ly the book degenerates into one filled with canned characters and situations, one that is so cliché it's frustrating in light of the beginning's promise. Hall attempts to cover his tracks by inserting "hints" that the action is all taking place inside Eric Sanderson's head, that he made the whole thing up and is instead suffering a psychological disease called "brain-fugue". He suggests, with a wink, that Sanderson's life has turned into a by-the-numbers Hollywood blockbuster because that's all the false-reality his brain understands, while ignoring the larger fact, which is
ot make up for the rest, because the printed word requires much larger amounts of undivided attention.
Normally I wo
uld not have finished this book, I'm not interested in masochistically reading through something just to put it down online. But what's interesting here is that I think a lot of the concepts explored in The Raw Shark Texts are present in the book I just 'finished' writing myself. I read through not because I was compelled by my morbid horror, but because of, ah, 'professional curiosity'. Reading through that first bit, the part that held together and worked, must have been an experience akin to that of The Bravery hearing their first Killers song. He was doing what I wanted to do, he did it better, and it was done-- more than that it'd been done for a long time, it was in print. It was a lesson, that's definite, but I calmed down as I read. His book lacked art, I noticed, as described above. But if his book lacked art, mine had too much of it. I started to notice some of the cracks in my own writing through reading his. Some of these problems I think I'd noticed when I finished, though I had faith in the end and had hoped they'd resolve themselves through that. They won't. It's going to need more work. But I think I've got a better idea of where I need to apply pressure if apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressure apply pressur eapply pressure.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

From the Atlantic Monthly:
Strange days are upon the residents of many a suburban cul-de-sac. Once-tidy yards have become overgrown, as the houses they front have gone vacant. Signs of physical and social disorder are spreading.

At Windy Ridge, a recently built starter-home development seven miles northwest of Charlotte, North Carolina, 81 of the community’s 132 small, vinyl-sided houses were in foreclosure as of late last year. Vandals have kicked in doors and stripped the copper wire from vacant houses; drug users and homeless people have furtively moved in. In December, after a stray bullet blasted through her son’s bedroom and into her own, Laurie Talbot, who’d moved to Windy Ridge from New York in 2005, told The Charlotte Observer, “I thought I’d bought a home in Pleasantville. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that stuff like this would happen.”

when she said that i thought of the woman who wants the gas price to stay down, who is insulted on the part of consumption, who thinks it is her right to eat and eat and eat and live far away from the place she works, and not make any compromises because she, you, us, can't afford, and woman haven't you heard of food stamps? of rations? and the old man who tells stories about eating his neighbour's cat?

LIVING ON THREADS

We spread selves on a thin-conceptual-spiderweb, we float out over thought-sea, we lay back our selves, our fine threads, to rest. We give the honest parts, and spread them out. Create a shaky bed, disturbed easily by thought-storms and aether-hawks, boats of those who hold close. We spread out to see more, but aren't safe, and sometimes sink.

AT NIGHT AND ON THE ROAD

A lost man, at the edge of fingertips. The nether-you, introduced: "Ohh, ha-ha, that's you?" A whispering gas, who speaks but is not heard, whose statements ignored, who floats in the terrible half-space, between real men who speak solid brick.

Who reflects on the odd situation. On the acid he's become, to certain—the people who assume that he's become another man, it's odd. There are those who see you and know you are you. Then the ones you thought you met, who you had in your head, but who—float you off. At the first sign of change, the personality (yours) you know is the same, unmet.
 
 

When I see a man floating off, my eyeballs roll to his eyeballs. I direct words to him. I smile at even his half-jokes, trailed. If he says nothing, he has statements pointed at his head. That he can keep, that are his. You listen to his words, because his slim words mean more, in that situation, they take more effort to make, you push your ego down, you let the man in.

You do not put up a thick ego wall. You do not disassociate from the man you know, or your neighbour at the table. You do not let his words choke off. You do not choke him off, for your own bon mots, you do not pretend he does not exist.

Those things you only do if you need a certain thing. You do that if, when you have a conversation, when you are with friends, you still have something to prove. You do that if you are a small man, who worries about himself, who thinks nothing is better than him, who says if you can't keep up you aren't a real thing. It's fine that you don't know me. But know what it means to continue to not know, I was a friend.

KARAOKE

He comes on, head bent at a forty-five degree angle. His hair cut like your Dad's, on an off-day, it sticks out the back.

--Hi my name is [          ], it's my birthday.

He's forty-one and his song is nervous energy, shaking like the kid in the corner, the one with the glasses, who stuttered when he raised his hand. Nervous but he nails it, chest not puffed but proud. A tall, strong vine. Forty-one and old. Learned to stand on his own. Girls came and gone. Few handholds. Karaoke with his friends. Young in some ways, but look how far he's come. A man, but young, and getting old.
 
 

The buzz distorts the room in a purple-orange glow. Right at the front. Room a kaleidoscope of colour and sound. Can't feel the pale face you kiss, to your left. Lips somewhere else, fingers gone. Just head space and body home. Head moving in ways your sober self wouldn't understand, miss this feeling, miss a pen. Tearing patterns into cardboard you rip out, Morse code. Prayer beads: this means this, this means this, this means that.
 
 

Unremarkable woman, someone you don't know. At the front with her friends, each a song, each a voice into microphone. Splitting off from the group, peeling to the back, picking up APPLAUSE, raising it high and around. A different woman, changed energy, a different face. A look that makes the crowd roar, someone else, you didn't see. Hope they brought, hope someone that knows—someone she knows but doesn't know her, that came—hope someone who knows her in a different capacity, at work or shy, hope they brought someone who's never seen, to see that.
 
 

Drink turned sour at the bar. Waiting while the buzz drops down. Don't want it to end. Like the way it funnels the night into a thick beam, the beam that goes to your head, like the feeling you get. Ordering more, it won't be the same. You know you're done. Know you're done, but you order more, you wait for it, you think your last buzz thoughts, you tap thoughts into cardboard, you remember what you hoped to write. Missing threads, now. Realise that you're coming down, it's not the same, something else you don't know, you don't know what.

HOW TO BE A POET
 

Write stacks of things, put words together, one after another, what you want. Tune your head to say. To say things, don't think in mantras, don't train your brain to spout the same thing. Just think. And write. Just think. 

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Go for a walk. Walk with your head, held up. Observe people and things. If they ask say sorry and move on. I'm just, this is just who I am, you might think this is weird, I watch. Scribble strands on notepaper in your pocket, folded up, on the edges of free newspapers and trash you find on the street. Look for pens when you forget. Buy one from the old man with the pot of pens, arranged in a circle, not knows what he sells, hand up for cash.

Print out on loose sheets of paper. Bind together with cheap staples or other things you buy from the store. Those bunny-eared brass tacks. Give it a name. Don't put your name on. Put one identifier, if you must. Don't put your name on, leave the poems lying around. Leave them in places. Take the poems and leave them in places, not the ground, places they can be read.

Leave the poems, don't sell.

Poems don't sell, leave them places, don't think. Make art, and leave. Make art, make art, and leave it behind. On the ground if you must, when it's dry.

RADIOSHACK

Lining up and watching the purchasing deliberations, the going back and forth, checking price. Being offered a new thing, something to protect the other, the thing they want. "Ah, maybe. We can get that later."

Looking through the solid glass case. At rows of boxes, tiny little prices. Looking for one price yourself. The man and the woman with the purchase blocking your view. Talking about another add-on, discussing practicalities, high on their buy. You're looking at the case. The woman looks back. I'm—you try and make sure they know. Woman, I'm looking at the case, not you.

--And how are you for batteries?

I've got my slim purchase on the counter. The power cable I said I'd get. How am I for batteries? I've got to—how am I? When was the last time I needed that?

--I'm fine, thanks.

Looking at the stacks of the slim canisters, sewn together with cardboard and plastic wrap. The display at the counter, in front. The stacked packages behind. "He's just doing his job," in my head, "he's just doing his job." Not angry at all, but I want. Sudden urge to pull down the display, scatter the packages, rip out their insides in one big electric gulp.

But that's wrong and he's just doing his job. He's just doing his job. I've never done that before, and it's wrong. He's just doing his job.

My bag's handed back, my own thing, the receipt. I exit the store.

Friday, May 2, 2008

¥À´ ´ € 4  #  ð  ðÿ ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿí0I ÿÿ  D E C O N T A M I N A T I O N , D E N O U E M E N T ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿí0I ÿÿ

What I sometimes wonder about is, why do I end bad things in the way that I do? When something doesn't feel right, when I do something I don't believe, why does the sky always open up, thunder come down, and the world shake?

I used to think it was a character flaw, now I'm not sure.

When I sat at home and wore a thick beard and thought that I was broken, it seemed that it was a crippling fault. When I knew more deer than men and didn't know what to do, I thought it was proof that I was going to die.

In certain ways, over time, I've been burned by becoming too cozy with things I knew were not right. I let myself believe mundane lies, which I became. I lived in a glass world, with snow sky and thin, curving walls. Each time I was shook out and the glass broke. Each time I spent time—sometimes years—building up again after the fall. Sometimes into the same man, poised for break. Once or twice into something new, more than the last time.

Now I think I am alert. Now, I think, for the most part, I am aware of myself as a human being.

But now I shut-down, more than ever, at insincere moments.

I am passionate, is it just that? Is it just honesty, and knowing what is not right? Is it overcompensating for my past mistakes? I don't know, and knowing, I know, will take time. In time I will have to learn that myself is separate (in some ways) from what I do, that it can be strong if I am strong, not so prone to contamination and breaks. If that is true, maybe not. Maybe I have to stay the same man, in that way. One thing I like, that I will tell you I like, is that I am not ready or willing for the sucker-in. I'm not one who will soon (without struggle) Sell Out. For my writing, to continue, for any kind of success, it could be the best chance that I have.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

DECONTAMINATION, PART TWO

When a job ends that I don't like, self rises up, unobstructed and pulled loose from whatever algae-covered rocks or ocean floor deitrus held it in place.

The less I give to a job, the more it seems I do, even if I don't want to, even and especially if all I give to it is my forced time. I break down and sink, overwhelmed at the edges, the water pulling down and away.

I live, blind like a mole rat, like a feeler-creature attached to a rock, with a wide, great mouth pointing up to the sky. Shaken by the current, by small eddies; worried by changes in pressure and taking big gulps of water when upset.

When it ends, I float up. I regain some semblance of a steering mechanism. I tie down the ropes which were allowed to float loose. The past two months haven't exactly been terrible, but it always gets worse with time. And like a man lost on his own campaign, I begin to cringe and cry for my home-self. I stagger over dunes and plod thoughtlessly through dense underbrush, maps covered in a fugue-mind-fog.
 
 

I did the dishes, the long stacks (we've been eating out). I sat down and read, sat down and read, the last time that was was when? Two weeks ago, an article about the end of the world? I got a jump on writing, on working out what I want to say at home, not at work and confused. I didn't sit down and try to distract. I didn't turn on that Genesis machine. I didn't fall asleep when my wife did, just because. I didn't use the excuse: too tired. As I rode home I thought of all of the things I can, could, will and would do.

I look forward to doing my work, it's almost done. I look forward to what I hate, because it's almost done, and after I can go.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

DECONTAMINATION

I've been reading too much Raymi. It's really-- it's like having an exclamation mark pointed directly at your eye. It's like being in an echo chamber, except the echoes are colours, and they cycle twelve hundred times in one day. It's-- hard to explain. I don't explain it right. I'm almost blogged out, as you can see. That's what this post is about. That I go there, with a soft mind, let myself be warped, be warped and post this, is about the best evidence I have.

This is from there:

Chloe: I just start to feel soft the one time i had an full time office job I got fat and soft and cranky

That's what it's like, working full time. In a job you don't like. That's not-- you, it's not you, you do it, but you don't give to it in a whole way, because you don't want to or have to. But you come home tired, and you are tired the next day, and at night you want to sleep with your wife, and you don't have time for anything else, and that's all. You can make time for other things. But you don't, always. Not really, consistently.

I have two jobs and one is just about to end. I can't wait. When my second job ends, I will be working three days. It will be enough. I'll have the extra time, that I know I need. I'll pick up the slack at the house, do walkarounds, do more routinely my creative things. I know one job works and is best, for me, I knew that, one small job, I got cornered into this second one, it's almost done, I laugh: yes!

I was thinking on the ride home, yesterday: I don't want to be that fat, sad man at gatherings. The one with the egg shape. The small, delicate hands. Stuck in a corner of a booth, drinking his drink. Saying, with apologies, "I don't really like my job, it's just something I... do." Leaning in to understand his soft face, thin voice.

JAZZ

Walking down University. Looking for the music, catching it in your ears when your head is tilted just so. Not constructing-- not walking, 'magic-making', not trying to find (not: "life is beautiful, I find beauty in the oddest things") but the sounds building together, an accident, coming in such a way that you think you heard what you didn't, what you piece together later as you look around. The loud bleat of a saxophone, first note, coming from an affronted car. Soft squeals, the tires on a certain polished spot on the road, the assent. Flags clacking against their poles, in the wind, the rhythm that you heard.

OPPORTUNITY

It's good to know that, with the threat of a global food crisis, the rich are still getting richer, pretty much everywhere.

Swonk [chief economist of Mesirow Financial] called it the "biggest inequality since the Great Depression."

"Not only are the rich getting richer, there are more of them, and those who are rich are getting incredibly rich, sort of a winner-takes-all," she said.

This can only be a good thing for the likes of mega-elites. When the world's population boils down like tree sap (with enough people remaining to carry the titans on their backs) there will be more development opportunities than ever, I expect.

The part that I like best about the lives of these robber-barons, I guess, is their low accountability. When you're worth three billion dollars, like John Paulson is, fifteen million dollars is just a drop in the bucket. It's really nothing, and beyond obscene that it's considered an acceptable level of donation back to those you, most likely, made your money off of (not from). It's just considered a high number because the vast majority of people couldn't make that much money in one hundred lifetimes, let alone make enough of it so that they could consider giving it away. You're basically given (especially with tax-breaks and grey-area money managing you can afford to take advantage of) a free pass out of society.

The funny part about it is, of course, that the regular person (in the West, at least, right now, I mean) isn't that poorly off. Right now, it's a much different situation than in the depression. The most exploited peoples are in distant factories, cordoned off. We can afford the basic necessities, and most people can "afford" a lot more. The interesting part about this is that not many people seem content with what they have. And I know, I know, you've heard this before, but it's true. The idea of something more is all-consuming.

Maybe that's a basic facet of humanity. But the people on the ground floor have forgotten how to control it, and those at the top have become better at exploiting it than ever before.

Not just in terms of-- it's not just because there is always a shiny new iPhone on the horizon, or a faster game console system, or whatever. It's because, for the most part, we let ourselves be taken advantage of, we give ourselves wholly to support our mode of living, and then, in our free time, we're so beat that we give our mind and our breathing space up as well. We don't want to work just for more stuff, but for the breathing space, the mind-place we never have to enjoy what we've already got.

It's interesting because the people who have the least grip on reality, who perpetuate the very system they try to escape, are probably the biggest slaves. The only difference between the Paulsons of the world and the Paul Smiths is the fact that one group has the illusion of control. A free ticket "out" of the rat race, while remaining the most invested in it.

I had a history teacher once who told me that the year he worked in a factory was the worst of his entire life. He worked long shifts, hard (to get the work done, because a factory never stops or slows down) only to make enough money to come home and fall asleep in his bed. There was no room for anything but passive activity because he'd given away his entire self. But the job, he explained, paid well.

You can't get more passive than watching television. You can't get more brain-dead than eating, watching, and self-medicated spending.

The point is that we've lost our priorities. To the point where even for an extremely low-paying job, filling up the coffers of someone else, who doesn't do the work, who is already rich, you are expected to give one hundred and ten percent. Your requests for off-schedule time are denied, your concessions for school, family life, or religion ignored. But harsh treatment because it's even worse for those above. Show me a salaried retail-store-manager, who comes in on his weekends, who works late at night, who is there when his very young employees (by instinct, as expected, knowing priorities better than most) flake out, and I'll show you somebody who is already (inside) halfway-dead.

To afford what you think you need, to keep you in a mind where you look at shiny things and think you can afford, you are worked hard and dragged behind, tied to the cart. Your self gets sold down. You are as unthinking as they expect you to be. You are a serf, and you can't think because of what you do, and you do your work, but you don't understand, and the upper-tiers look down because what are you, besides an animal? What are you besides a revenue-building, field-plowing machine?

It's funny as much as things change, the more they stay the same. I can only think that the impending food crisis, the mounting debts, the inflation, the speculating, will have some kind of ill-effect. But when you're brain-dead and poor, you might, at least, try to change how you live.

YOUR BALLS ARE THE WORST BALLS

Bits of crumbled paper, some naked flakes, some rolled in N.'s hands into twists, scatter around his hands, plate, and drink. He's not looking at the table. His hands move without see. It's dark outside. The light tracks in, when a car passes or twists into turn.

R.'s watching him. N. doesn't see. I want N. to stop. I want to put my hands on his hands and tell him that what he's doing is wrong. R.'s eyes track N.'s hands. I bet R. is thinking the same thing.

I turn to R. I say what I think.

Some kind of sexual disfunctioning.

R. laughs. N., across the table says stop, it's not that. It's not that at all, he says.

--What is it then?

--I just can't get a, well. This is automatic. You guys are assholes if you think it's anything else.

--That's fine.

--I'm just, I can't see inside my own brain sometimes, you know?

--Okay.

I twist a straw into a triangle-sized football and flick it into N.'s head. He laughs in his way, puts it aside. I pick it up and toss it again. It hits its arc, crashes into his forehead. He puts it into his pocket. Tries to make a kind of joke. It's—I don't laugh, R. doesn't laugh, it's not really funny. N. hasn't been very funny, recently.

I lean back. I put my arm on the windowsill. I tap at the wood framing the glass.

--I'm hungry.

--This place sucks. We're all hungry.

N. perks up.

--It does suck, says N. This place is the most blowinest blow job in all of history.

I look up, tap the glass.

--What the fuck? says R.

N. shrugs. It was a joke.

--You're a joke, I say.

--Your mom gives the most blowinest blow jobs, says R. I laugh and agree.

Monday, April 28, 2008

A call from the other side of the world. Garbled and coming from some centre ether cord. Pulled down from a high cloud.

His name is t-e-d Ted, he says. My basement's overflowing, my carpet filling up like a sponge, contaminated ground water.

--I don't really have time for this, Ted.

--That's fine. But I just wanted to tell you about a special offer, just for preferred customers.

The inserted pause at the end of Ted's speech is mine. I look down at my feet and they're as wet as they're going to get. I pull up a chair, take off my socks. Over the course of the conversation I pick wet lint from in-between each toe. Ted continues, but he never really asked for permission not to stop.

Ted takes the Service Charge off. He lowers my Monthly Fees. I don't quite understand. I don't know-- why? What have I done, I don't get. Some other provider? Fees upon fees? Maybe, or maybe less, but why? I've been paying my bill every month, they placed me in some kind of 'preferred suckers list', I can feel it.
 
 

My head kind of, my eyes. I'm a, ah uh, oh, my head and my eyes pull together, taut as a rope, the cord stretches. Something tingles at the base of my skull, near the neck.

I'm on the phone with Ted.

The phone's overflowing and spilling onto the floor. I'm on the phone with Ted, and his talk is curling out of the phone in thick gelatin chunks, wrapping around my neck and dripping onto the floor.
 
 

Ted? Ted, where are you-?

--Let's just connect you into the system. Let's, we're connecting you into-- it's sort of like an answering machine, is that okay André? It's just like an answering machine, you'll understand. I have to enter my I.D., that's first, then it will ask me some questions, which I answer. You just listen. I can give you my I.D. here, right now. Do you have a pencil and paper ready? It's 27232; that's for me, Ted. The computer will ask that and I'll put it in. Then there are questions for you, first you say your name, that's André Bxbxn. Say it just like that, ok? Then it asks you yes or no questions, that's all. Pay close attention to what it says, ok? When it asks you to press pound, I press pound. Got it?

--I know this is weird, but just for my own curiosity, that's all- where are you from, Ted? What country, or city, I mean? Can you tell me? Is that allowed?
 
 

Silence as he connects and the other side beeps in. Wherever he's from, Ted is a busy man. Do you got that? Is that okay?
 
 

--Ok. Let me tell you two things. You're born the same year I was born. You were born in the same year I was, except I was born September 13th. So you're older five months less nine days, that's right? And I have a brother named André, isn't that nice?

--Yes, it is sort of nice. It is sort of-- Ted? Where are you from? Ted? My head burns out, right now, I don't fully understand which provider, are the fees in addition or instead? Ted? I can't complete my... thoughts, just answer the question. Where are you from, Ted?

--Ok. I will explain it all to you. I will give you the answers. I will explain it all to you in a way that you understand. I like your questions, you are a sharp man.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

THE SCROLL
"That isn't writing; it's typing."
-Truman Capote, on the three week composition of On The Road.

When Kerouac sat down to write On The Road, he stuck eight mammoth sheets of paper into his typewriter, taping them together as he went. Legend has it that he dropped the completed scroll, all one hundred and twenty feet of it, onto his publisher's desk when he was done. Legend has it that was it.

Now the whole world unfurls on an ever-expanding block of text three-and-a-half inches wide. What Kerouac sold, with the idea of the roll, was the illusion of immediacy. A line running straight into Kerouac's drug-addled, caffeinated head. A direct experience.

Never mind that he lived with his mother, drank nothing stronger than tea while composing the roll, and worked on On the Road for years before and after the its composing. He hid behind the curtain and sold the first genuine illusion of immediacy, an advertised hot-link to his head.

Never mind that most blogs, too, are penned in similarly unassuming positions. In basements, backyards by the sprinkler, and blue-lit rooms. By regular people latched onto an obsession or need. Posting carefully composed images and ideas of their personality—their thoughts too, sure, their "happenings"—but groomed in just such a way. To suggest that the image seen is the natural person. The natural person responding in the immediate way that they would.

Spell-checked. Planned and worked out all day, but posted with a time-stamp in that same ever-expanding roll, the suggestion of endless—the immediate inside-head—the careful composing read as straight, unadulterated thought by those who need the mutual buying in, the sharing of illusions.

Kerouac said that many people who met him in person, or who tracked him down looking to drink, found him, at best, disappointing. My guess is that conceit applies to most of us in the puffed-up blogosphere as well. How can you live up to the frozen images, posted in succession (over multicellular, energetical-ameoba background), posed in mid-air? How can you beat the head-scrambling heart-racing prose that you pen, alone, head-point pop-gun? How can you live up to the endlessly witty, unknowable snarkster who posts three lines of text (falling apart upon inspection), each word establishing its own trend?

DEMENTIA

The long line of bodies and heads, pressed to the road. Flat up against the curb, sneakers edging out, humanity jutting into the street. Soft middles, genitals, knees. Heads bent, turning, forward, turning again, forward. This is what a cattle line looks like, flat against the feed-troughs, waiting for it to all trickle down. Hearing it in the pipes, training their long necks up and tracking the sound. Down, tracking iii iiiitttt ttttt down.

Police line, bike cruisers. Waiting at the red, red comes off, green, going with the light; cruising for the turn, turning, hearing radio fragments, tinny little sounds: man on foot, axxxuxxe, man on foot.

Wailing red car. Something nice, flat. Flat like the back of your hand. Lights in the back, stuck out bright and red. Red circle, red circle, license plate, red circle, red circle, air, air, air (beginning the same way—air—and below the red circles ground). Hitting the pedal. It's stop and go. He's in neutral and doesn't know how to use it or—pedal, pedal, loud sound. Pedal, the sound is loud. He shatters the air space. An echo sound bomb. Bouncing off concrete, brick. He puts his car into gear. He goes, so fast, he thinks. He goes, so fast, his revving into wheel power, he goes. And stops at the next light. Where he revs again. And reminds.

Hey, I can drive this thing. Hey, I can waste this fuel, I can drive this thing.

I drive this thing. You drive--- what? Let me goooo.

Letting myself believe he lives at the corner, at the end of Queen. That inbred shit-rich community. 'You walk my unsidewalked streets? Get out, you're poor'. Driving to his dick house, his ugly wife, his kid and scowl.

WE MUST DO AS THE GREEKS DID

We must do as the Greeks did, and reduce it all into numbers, shapes, lines. We must do as the Greeks did and boil down our thoughts into abstractions, concepts fuzzed over, vague thoughts with feel. We must do as the Greeks did and prepare our words, pre-empt them for code. What is the value of a pipe pumping feel, when you read something and your eyes light up or down? What is the value of artificial thought, vague unreal universes, if your hands are tactile, they touch, and your art is as vivid as life?

This art will be vivid, but the distance will be there. You will not lose yourself if you move around like a fourth-dimensional wo(and/or)man, if you are encouraged to occupy real space. You will not strap-in, you will not volunteer, you will be one of those who says—I do not need to be dependent, I don't want you to put that in, I am a biological, I will stay that way, I will accept what that means.

I will make art. And speak, and love.

I will make art, and speak, and love. And my art will be rich. It will be every concept, it will pre-empt your pumped computer thought. I can think on my own! And I will, and I do, and I have.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

ZOO

A slow old dog crosses the street. His man waits and helps him across, goes to the door. The dog is behind, sniffing a tree, taking his time.

"Buddy, come on!" Measured dog-steps back. A wise old spectacle, cool night.

Open window at the music school, spilling yellow light into the street, the quiet behind alley. A woman playing at the piano, a homey creature: big, wearing a wine-red dress with white dots. The music, turning pages, the music. Someone behind her with a – trumpet? trombone? – watching her play, waiting, for now.

Short skirts. On just girls, girls that are just there, but it's summer and that's nice to see. Like the changing of the leaves, a sign you'd (before) waited for, for noted season change. Those girls seeing the man in the sweater, "MAVERICK RUGBY", trying to make eyes. Another difference, the eyes not made, the thrill different, but it's nice all the same. You might make eyes, I don't mind. Those eyes are never acted on—never, but now can't; no, don't want—but you can make them all the same.

White shoes. Worn twice. Fresh and shine. Twin lights, in the streetlights. Past the dogs, the girls making eyes, the men and women on the patios, the street-talk, the hop of the young men, their shouts, their laughs, their cheers. Smelling the air, noting: in the summer, by the beach, it always smells fresh, like rain.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

OH NO Honestly re-assess your life. Think about the ideas you support and how you are a hypocrite against them. Think about how you hate mental slavery and yet permit yourself to be a slave. Think about how you hate mental slavery and yet permit yourself to be a slave. Think about how comfortable you are. Think about how comfortable you are. Think about the problems you believe exist, what you might change, and how comfortable you are.
hhhhhhhoooo
oohhhhhhh noooooooo ooooooooooooooooo
graduating from Langley High School, Pittsburgh, PA, he attended the Univ. of Pittsburgh and graduated in 1950 with a Bachelor of Science in Engineering. At the outbreak of the Korean War, he volunteered and received a direct commission as Ensign in
ove; beloved mother of Jerry Astrove; sister of Alvin Weinstein and the late Edith Margolis; grandmother of Debra (Gary) Gadpaille and the late Michael Astrove; great- grandmother of Austin and Megan. Relatives aCARPET BOMB YOUR CAREFUL LIFE
William Sample Barrack, Jr. always will be remembered for his love for his family and friends, his dogs, the great outdoors, and the sea. He was truly a remarkable man of honor and principle, compassion and grace. In lieu of flowers, donations may please be made in., of Mendham, son of Robert and Frances Cavalero, brother of Bobby, Dale and Jenny, died suddenly on April 18, 2008. For more information, contact Bailey Funeral Home of Mendham, NJ, 973-543-4720.
holas; dear sister of Delores (the late Mikie C.) Calderone and Laverne (the late Bob) Arrigo; cherished by many nieces, nephews and cousins. Lorraine's energy, enthusiasm and love for life will be dearly remembered by all those blessed to have known her.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
rrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaatttttsssss !!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S A NICE DAY TODAY It sure is, it sure is a nice day. ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY has nothing against nice days.
In honor of ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY do as many of these things as you want. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you! Live your own damn life.
  • Cuss
  • Roll around in the dirt
  • Notice that mess isn't terrible
  • Feel your body move
  • Make your own fun
  • Turn off the computer
  • Don't let your job, school, or other social obligations define you
  • Do something elaborate that you will never ever blog about
  • Realise that every piece of you that you put on display is a piece of your heart, ripped out and put on show
  • Recognise that you don't need anyone else's approval
  • Do what you want to do
  • Break something you depend on
  • Quit your job
  • Reduce electronic stimuli. Close your eyes for thirty seconds. Plug your ears.
Try not to be such a drain. On any day, plant a tree. Make something grow. Don't pretend you're "green". You're not green. You're not green.

ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY CONTINUES

"AWWW YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Here an image of an explosion taking place in the dead ether of empty, black space. Ripping a red thread through established areas of space and time. Reinvigorating the astronomical economy, burning itself into sun, a hot-heat energy motor. Turning like a windmill, on itself, in space. Burning orange, red, and yellow.

"F*KKKKKKENNNN' RRRIGGGHHHHTTTT!!!!"

F*CK FAKE FACEBOOK

ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY would like to f*ck fake facebook friends, who feel obligated out of a little reminder (on the side of the home page), notified automatically, not out of any desire to know, to tell you to have a happy birthday. F*ckin' fake facebooks; fake facebook friends you never talk to in any capacity, asking you "where you been" as if you've been somewhere, as if you bumped into them on the street, instead of: we don't talk because we don't talk, who are you, I didn't just meet you on the road, the possibility of conversation was always open, on facebook it always is, we don't talk.

THE CONSTRUCTION OF BIKE PATH NUMBER FOUR

Two men in business suits are standing on the edge of a curb in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by factory stacks, white pavement, and road. There is a gale-force-wind which picks up the tail ends of suit-jackets, trouser-legs, and briefcases, and flutters them in the air.

Man 1: It's perfect, don't you think?

Man 2: I agree, even these gale force winds.

Man 1: I hadn't noticed, but it is a bit windy.

Man 2: It reminds me of Bauhaus.

Man 1: What does that mean?

Man 2: I don't know, but it seems slightly edgy. Cyclists like that kind of stuff, right?

Man 1: They eat it up.

Man 2: I also like the train tracks.

Man 1: When I was a boy, I enjoyed trains.

They stare at the train tracks wistfully. Suddenly, loud rock music is heard. All of a sudden a dark black bike covered in thin-metal spikes rides out of the horizon, pedaling furiously. As it comes closer, the music (blaring from a boombox on the rider's back) becomes deafening. The rider is covered in leather, and his hands are bound in thick black hockey tape. The two men turn from the railway tracks and stare at the rider in horror, covering their ears. The rider stands up on his bike, no hands. He reveals that he has a IED strapped to his leg. He jumps in the air and does a somersault onto Man 1's head.

Biker: ANTI--

He peels back a section of the IED, revealing a blinking red button. The two men try to get away but the biker laughs. He knows they will not get far.

Biker: ESTABLISHMENT---

He presses the button.

Biker: TUESDAY!!!

The two men and the biker explode in a cloud of righteous fury.

ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY Some have said it's my 'champagne birthday' today. Well-- well-- f*ck that, I say! That's right, you heard me! It's ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TUESDAY

Friday, April 18, 2008

ANESTHESIA

In bed, in the hall. Wrapped up in white blankets with blue stripes at the edges. Pulling them over like a hood. Lying down and barking orders. Patches of brown splashed awkwardly across her face. Some kind of symptom. "My head feels like it's about to explode," she says.
 
 

"Is that a cross?"

Yes.

"Come here and let me see it."

Here. Do you like it? It's from Italy. The Italian style.

"What does it mean?"

It means He's here, around my neck. Watching over you and me. Blessing us.

"Blessing you with me, you mean."

That's right.
 
 

"That girl is so cute. I like her haircut, she's adorable. Something about that girl that I like. That little girl. Why doesn't she respond? Hey! You're so cute! You're the cutest little girl. Why isn't she saying anything? She's staring at me. She can see me. She's staring at me and she isn't saying anything."

She's nervous. She doesn't like hospitals. Remember what her mother said? She's nervous and she doesn't like hospitals.

"I want to tell this girl that she's cute. What does she see?"
 
 

"Hello. Hey. Hey, where are you going? What's your name? Come here. Don't go away. Come here. I want you to come over here and look at my legs. Can you look at my legs?"

At a door, at a distance. Squeezed past the bed, stuck in the hallway. At the door, frozen. (Why? What do you want me to do?)

She's busy. Let her be. She's not your doctor. You need to rest.

"Please, can you come here? Please can you come here and look at my legs?"
 
 

"Quiet, please. Please be quiet. You need your rest. Please be quiet. Go to sleep."

How dare she die so poorly. How dare she die. How dare she remind us of her death. How dare she interrupt. How dare she affect us with her dying. How dare she die, and show us her death. How dare she make her death known, so loudly. How dare she die, in the hot prime of life, and let us know.
 
 
 
 

FEAR OF THE MASK

Calm until the release moment.

Limbs out of the bed. Connections broke. Machines beeping into death. Struggling. Being held down by a nurse. Breaking free and sitting up, like waking from a bad dream. Being held again, nurse leaning over the bed, her whole weight. Mask put on. Held. Struggle. Breathe. Body calms down. The nurse steps away.

Reassembles the connections. Machines beep back into life.

HIERARCHY OF HUMANITY

  • People honest with themselves
  • People in denial
    • Because of ignorance
    • Because of trauma
    • Because the truth is too terrible
  • Douchebags

The other day someone told me you can break all of humanity into "Jocks" and "Nerds". That this becomes more true over time. Not only was I not expecting him to say that, I don't think that's true at all. That kind of thinking glosses over most of human experience and stuffs everyone into tight little superficial boxes. Most qualifying systems do.

This morning I was trying to think of more accurate classifications. This is an extremely truncated version because I don't remember the rest, but maybe it works. Maybe I'll add to it as I go, too.

You are not one of these bullet points forever until the end of time. Personalities are constantly in flux, dependent on a variety of influences. It's almost like observing a quantum particle. You can only really tell what state someone is in under observation, and only for that moment.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

SISTERS

"Let's open the window."

"No."

"But it's so hot in here." Pause. "We could have walked, you know."

"It's too far."

"No it's not!"

"You're dumb."

The car stops, later on, and they scatter out; hair-braided and tucked in black jackets pulled over black skin. It's the first day it feels like spring. They dance in front of the window and I wonder, is it open? Learning through the different patterns, the change in light on skin, face, and hair. As they pass the open tile. Through, too, the cool breeze which comes on as they go, as the car picks up speed, and pecks us all on the cheek.

I ran until my heart felt like it was going to burst. I ran until my lungs oozed out and caked on my t-shirt. I ran until my breath choked, the back of my throat was raw, and my shirt was stained in a wide 'V' dripped down to my navel.
When I stopped running I learned how to use blockquotes.

Friday, April 11, 2008

SILT

I cut the sugar, all refined forms. Caffeine, never really a custom, is cut too. It's so easy when your reason is the possibility of the "Big-D".

I don't know what to call an 'attack', but I've had one, if just a mild one. Maybe it's just hypoglycemia, whatever. I don't really care. I just want to stop it.

You're 'weirded-out', as she described it. You get the shakes. Imperceptible, at first, but later you don't trust your legs to walk to the garbage, though you do it and sirens go off in your head at your lack of control. You're overclocked, like a hummingbird, but working in sped-up time in a body not meant to be that fast, that way. It's not like losing yourself during exercise, acting, or anything else. The closest it comes to is a sustained-overheating on a very hot day, one that your body suspects can only be steadied by filling, overfuelling, to burn out all that go, with thick proteins and carbohydrates.

I've never done drugs, is it at all like drugs? Is it like artificially overclocking with speed? Is that just a synthetic version of this?

The result of six months of wedding cakes, eating-out, and fudge. Truncated workouts, if you can even call them that. Sitting at a desk. The spectre of FAMILY HISTORY, wailing in the corner over breakfast, dinner, and lunch. It's on my mother's side, but I worry about some on my father's too. Two litres of carbonated sugar a day can probably do that to you, irregardless of ancestral claim.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A car played chicken today with me and the curb, the road was almost empty, he'd just pulled up at the stop, I don't know why he did it. My guess is he hates exercise and all emacipatory forms of travel.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

THAT LAUGH

That laugh is a dead laugh. The laugher, a dead man. His eyes light at perceived failures. He delights in (others', for his are always understood) breaches of proprietary. His laugh is a laugh laughed from a long ago place. Once, when he was young, he held in his laugh. He took in other's laughs, which killed his own. They hollowed into his little heart, his cold now, growing then. They hollowed in a tight coffin-box, where his own laugh died, barely sprouted, where the new laughs grew like grey-black fungus.

He grew up. His laughs were-- with time, he realised that he too, could laugh. He opened his mouth and the new laughs, not his, came out. He thought, 'this is how I have taken laughter, now I am big, I am a stronger man than I thought, I can give'. He gave his laugh, a grown man. He gave his laugh, a grown man who didn't understand, a child living in a sub-basement, room 23D, believing that's all that was, making lists and labels with his new, dead, laugh. His child-cruel, dead laugh. His cold laugh which showed he was not really a man. His hard, not-laugh, which he would laugh at (if he knew), which he laughed at me.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I WAS AN OVERWEIGHT FREAK, NOW I'M ON TV

I was an overweight freak, now I'm on TV. I was a mess. I ate, and ate, and ate. I lost all that weight. I'm on TV! My head, my issues... whatever! I'm on TV!

WOULD JESUS HAVE LIKED TV?

Probably not.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DIABETES?

The sugar industry.

Friday, April 4, 2008

THE SECRET, AS TOLD BY A TEN-YEAR-OLD

"Ah, ah. You're supposed to forget the messages. Those, uh—forget what everyone tells you. You know, that you, uh... need more stuff? Like that. Uh, you forget that.

"Being satisfied? Be satisfied, that's the first step. Uh, then you've got to—well, you do what all those famous people—to get to where they got to... You just think positive? You, uh, just have to think that you can do it. You do that.

"Oh yeah! Oprah Winfrey. She did it too. Uh, yeah! So you just have to—yeah. That's it."

Thursday, April 3, 2008

CONVERSATION MEANT BUT NOT SAID

Remembered after. Connections dotted when the mind cleared and the lines were allowed to add up. Brain fugue from empty time. Sitting in a lonely chair. Wondering if you're screwed, waiting for the next person to come in. Doctors noticing your book, your doodlings, not meeting eyes.

Sorry you didn't say it when you should have. When he first came in, and asked. Writing it here to remember, for next time. What you said was similar, but glazed-over: you did not drink the moment. You scooted over it in your quest for perfected hours (paid). Ignored man for money; the pursuit of it.

Ugly. Ugly. But the words you meant, at least--

"I didn't know right away, R., no. But there was something that I noticed, something different. 'This is a girl,' I said to myself, 'unlike any other I have ever met.' And yet I felt that I knew her. And the more that I came to know her, the more I realised that I did, and yet I was surprised, and her difference never changed. She is not and was not, ever, as other girls. She fit.

"She did not evaporate, as per past delusions.

"If I asked why you asked, would you tell me that you've found your own? I have before ignored those talks in odd ways-- but if that's why you asked, I want to know. Tell me about the girl, man to man."

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

THE WAVES

There is the man, far away, on the beach. He is always there. He is at that distance, in some place, whenever you look. Whenever you go, the dark coat, the dog leash, on the empty sand—near the waves.

"Woolf's characters, however, are near sublime. The honesty is astounding. The casual profundity amazes." With The Waves, Woolf has the right idea. Her book is near abstract. And so far, more so than Ulysses, or at least more successfully. The nature interludes, alone, or set apart a different way, would work. As they are, too crisp and easily felt. A true abstract book is one not easily absorbed or understood, on first cold reading, but feels right, and that the reader wants to read. It's not clear, but it plants thought-emotion-seed which grows when the reader leaves.

"It all comes down to whether or not I want you in my boat [when the plane crashes, and we scramble out and sail away]. I would want you for two reasons: one, a source of food—you think I'm kidding, I'm not—two, as someone who can help me out, do work." He pats me on the shoulder, identifying me, and leaves. "Sorry for interrupting your day." It's okay, I say, and we laugh as we walk away.

A good place to see the circle of fog. From far distances you can see the creeping edge. The rocks, the near-waves in sharp relief, like buildings would be on the street. From away you see the thick soup that you miss. From away you realise that Toronto is a city, built on a lake.

"I buried my brother in 1945. Starvation. We ate Mrs. Ferris' cat. My neighbour gave us a Coleman stove and three months of fuel, for cooking dinner. In the end we used two bricks that we kept warm in the car."

Eye eye aye. Aye aye, eye. Bye, aye eye.

"It doesn't take fives. Hey. Hey. Wait. I can help you out." Digging through pockets and pulling out change. "Hey! Don't leave. I can help you out. Two tokens for that five. They're good tokens. Here. Right here."

Hey. Thanks.

Need to shout. Need to pound tables. Need to be the voice, the bold rhythm, the weave. The argue. The scream. The loud man, at the bar.

But, ah, not. Not today, anyway.

The sober—the stepping out, and the noise stripped. The darkness stripped. Stand and walk, the cold-air kiss-face. The steady beat of an electric guitar. The traffic sound. The people, all over, making noise.

Taking money from the machine. Wearing coat. Lost hat on the streetcar, wouldn't open door to come back. Looked and he left. Looked left and right, again, crossed the street.

Friday, March 28, 2008

M.A.: What is the state of the novel? B.: That's like asking me the state of the sun. I could tell you if I was an astronomer, but I am not an astronomer. Better to check an almanac.

M.A.: With the publication of your most recent book, Valves; and secret openings, you made headlines with your cavalier use of punctuation—

B.: That's right.

M.A.: Tell us about that.

B.: It was a very bad time in my life. I went to India. I was horrified. "These people," I thought, "are very poor." And I am so rich, I remembered. It made me realise that even though I hadn't won a major award in the preceding four years, I was still very much a man at the top of my game. I had all of my teeth. I started reading the Upanishads. I thought, "Damned if these people don't know a thing or two about punctuation!" On the way home it hit me. "I'm a clever guy," I thought. I wrote the first chapter of the book on the plane, propped up between a fat man with eczema and a woman who couldn't stop scratching her leg.

M.A.: That explains page twenty-six.

B.: (laughs) Well, this is fiction, remember. And nothing is at all based on reality. But yes.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

EXCERPT FROM AN INTERVIEW WITH THE ORTOLAN

What do you miss most?

Hunger.

Why?

Being empty is a pleasure.

What else?

Tree. Sky. Light.

How can you speak?

You catch my thoughts in the ether, I catch yours.

Are you dead?

Maybe.

What do you remember last?

Being held. Wine.

Wine?

Drowning in it.

Perhaps you are dead.

Yes. Perhaps.

Perhaps we all are.

I think this, sometimes.

What is your name?

Chirp twice alarm, one squeak food. In name brackets, of course. The parenthesis for names.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

INDUCTION ROOM, AGE 2

There's the man from before, and there's the man again. He's at the door. He's at the door with his pen and he smiles, briefly.

My mother is here.

My mother is here.

My mother is here.

The tall WHITE man stands. He stands behind. His coat is WHITE. His hair is WHITE. His moustache is WHITE and it curls over his mouth.

The woman has pinned a needle into my chest. They've opened my gown. They make a plastic tube stick out from the needle. The woman takes a syringe and pushes liquid in. The liquid is pressed out from the syringe and goes into the tube.

The WHITE man talks.

My mother talks.

The WHITE man talks.

My mother talks.

My mother talks.

My mother talks.

My hand opens and closes. I reach for the plastic tube that held the syringe. The woman brushes me off and pulls the tube away.

My mother grabs my hand. She talks. "No, DYLAN, xxe xs xox xoxe."

My mother has hot breath.

My mother is here.

The man with the pen is in the door. He is at the door and he holds a pen. He is at the door, in the lip writing something, and he doesn't look up.

The woman pushes another syringe into the tube. She puts the syringe away. The tube is soft and I squeeze it. I am on the bed.

My mother is here.

The man at the door doesn't look up.

Something hurts.

I don't feel right.

Something hurts and I cry.

Something hurts and I cry.

Something hurts and I cry.

My mother is here. She talks.

The woman is here. She talks.

The WHITE man is here. He talks.

The man with the pen stands in the doorway. He writes. He doesn't look up.

My mother is here. She talks.

Something hurts and I cry.

My mother is here. She talks.

Something hurts and I cry.

My mother is here. She talks.

My mother is here. She talks.

I fall asleep.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I tried reading Fortress of Solitude again, after finishing Coming through Slaughter. It was a poor choice. The experience is like stepping off a treadmill your first time after a long time, walking with odd-step, awkward-gait. After the bouncing jazz, Fortress of Solitude is just too slow. It's good, and I liked it the first time, but the second time the lack of agency is painful. It feels too, too much. It's not overtly literary, but it is at the same time, with its speed.

And I can

I can deal with slow. Some slow has to do with intensity. Building up the moment. Obsessing on the little, relevant details. The background building to a crescendo in your head. Sergio-Leone-slow. But Fortress of Solitude feels like old concrete painted in a yellow-brown-wash. It's almost too nostalgic. What appealed to me at first was the nostalgia. When I first read it, I remembered my early days in a brownstone, wearing second-hand clothes. How true it is!, I thought. Now it's too much.

What the book is is a segment of Sesame Street from an early episode. Children in a city-park, caught with their coats on, slightly off sound-quality, the children's voices doing odd things at the edges of the spectrum, mixed with the old equipment. A black kid missing a couple teeth reciting a nursery rhyme, over and over, while, in the foreground, mixed girls in pony-tails jump rope.

It's good, it's good, and if you want to read that, read that.

But I can't take it now. It's something about the speed. About the overwhelming nostalgia. About knowing the course of the story, the fates of the charac